Saturday, December 18, 2010

Status Update

so you know those characters in movies who sacrifice themselves to save the others and seem like they have had experiences in their lives that allow them to be more at peace with dying than the others... but you are never clued in as to why?  Well I think I get it now... once you have lost the love of your life or someone intimately woven into your heart and core, you're never quite the same, you're  never the same person and death welcomes those people back into your world.  I lost that person 3 times in the past 2 years. The impact these past 2 years have made losing so many loved ones from my life has left me crippled and broken.  To answer your questions... I am not okay, although I try to act as if I am. I don't know if I ever can be.   Ron, my grandmother, trevor... I will never see again.  david will never speak to me again and matt moved across the country. seriously, wtf just happened?  where did these past 2 years come from?  Who did i piss off to give me this as my path through life?  This is just a ridiculously awful hand I have been given to play and I can't fold and be dealt a new hand... somehow I have to bluff my way through with a shitty hand in order to win the pot.  The odds are stacked against me and not sure how to play my hand. Therapists would say I should be fulfilled internally and others should just add to your life... but that is bullsh**. we all seek out5 that special someone to share our lives with.  I have been burned 3 times... partially my own doing and partially out of my control... but ultimately my time was cut short with each person and I have been left to amputate those lifelines to stop the bleeding but now I feel all lifelines severed and no more life running back into me. Anyway, i am good.  how are you doing?