Saturday, December 18, 2010

Status Update

so you know those characters in movies who sacrifice themselves to save the others and seem like they have had experiences in their lives that allow them to be more at peace with dying than the others... but you are never clued in as to why?  Well I think I get it now... once you have lost the love of your life or someone intimately woven into your heart and core, you're never quite the same, you're  never the same person and death welcomes those people back into your world.  I lost that person 3 times in the past 2 years. The impact these past 2 years have made losing so many loved ones from my life has left me crippled and broken.  To answer your questions... I am not okay, although I try to act as if I am. I don't know if I ever can be.   Ron, my grandmother, trevor... I will never see again.  david will never speak to me again and matt moved across the country. seriously, wtf just happened?  where did these past 2 years come from?  Who did i piss off to give me this as my path through life?  This is just a ridiculously awful hand I have been given to play and I can't fold and be dealt a new hand... somehow I have to bluff my way through with a shitty hand in order to win the pot.  The odds are stacked against me and not sure how to play my hand. Therapists would say I should be fulfilled internally and others should just add to your life... but that is bullsh**. we all seek out5 that special someone to share our lives with.  I have been burned 3 times... partially my own doing and partially out of my control... but ultimately my time was cut short with each person and I have been left to amputate those lifelines to stop the bleeding but now I feel all lifelines severed and no more life running back into me. Anyway, i am good.  how are you doing?

10 comments:

  1. I am so very sorry for your losses, my friend. However, I do not agree that all your connections are severed. Some perhaps are just a little rusty from non use. Reaching out takes some effort I know, and it's prob the last thing on your mind right now, but when you are ready something tells me there will be someone there to take your hand.

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  2. Damn, Craig! Sounds like you've had a rough yr! Don't know what to say. It seems the past 3 yrs of my life have been hell, dealing with aging parents, hell at work & no love life. I just got laid off 2 mos ago. Often life just smacks you upside the head & kicks you in the balls, but you can't quit. Even if you have to make a dramatic change to make yr life better, then do it. Hang in there, buddy! You seem like a great guy, so don't give up.

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  3. my heart goes out to you, just left you a message via AM's yahoo, let me know what I can do to help

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  4. I cannot imagine how you are hurting. I lost my mother, grandmother, and 3 other close family members in the course of 3 years - I remember them the most at this time of year and remember my first Christmas without them - not an enjoyable experience. Relationships are unique and special and when you lose someone you love, everyone hurts differently.

    Life has a strange way of unfolding. Where we thought we would be, is often so far from where we thought or would like. People come into our lives to teach us something - those lessons are understood in the future.

    I am sorry for your loss, but I hope for you to quickly feel whole again - the day will come - unfortunately no one knows when, but you will not face anything you cannot handle - I believe that with my entire being!

    My heart goes out to you - more than you know! - big hug

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  5. You must be in unimaginable pain. It takes a strong man to carry such pain from so many losses and survive. I have no idea what to tell you. Rant, scream, yell at the universe; but I am sure you have done all that and more. Surely this must be the end of all this grief for you. No one deserves more than this in their lives. Truly, any bad Karma you had has been paid off by now! You just need to hang in there and survive now; as you staunch the bleeding so that it is not fatal. The pain will continue to be terrible for quite some time I would imagine. I hope that better times are ahead. Be strong my friend! You will be in my prayers and thoughts in the coming weeks Craig. Big hug!

    http://fairviewsue.wordpress.com/

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  6. Your not alone, and the fact that other people are struggling with their own life issues and problems doesn't lessen yours any. My life has been hell the past two years as well, maybe not hell, but its been tougher than before. I dunno, don't let it bring you down or make you give up, just try to become a stronger/better person from it all i guess.

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  7. So sorry to hear Craig. To be honest mate, you never get over it, you learn to live with it. Try going away on a holiday with your boyfriend and bringing him home in a box 7 days later. dead at 32 from liver cancer....10 yrs ago and I still miss Gerhard. Live for whomever you have a lost. a piece of pain means there's still something of them around...in your heart and head at least. that's only a bad thing if it takes over your life - after you've grieved. sorry i can't offer a panacea but at least i hope it helps you on the journey...

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  8. Wow..dude i don't know what to say. like some people have said you're not alone. And It hurts it hurts like a mother fucker. There are people who do love and appreciate you. Just hold on till you find them again. I know how black things look i've been there. But things will eventually tilt back to better.

    Kevin

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  9. Happy Belated buddy! We miss you...

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