Monday, March 29, 2010
Part of that reason is because of my guardian angel (one of several) Ron Hull. His suicide was a traumatic moment in my life that was a catalyst for the sudden change in paths my life made about 2 years ago. The last year was the worst of my life.... BUT it taught me so much about how to live life and do for myself and to take a chance without pre-planning. It lead me to take a chance on trying the porn industry and put aside other peoples' opinions and just listen to my own voice. I stopped trying to please others, stopped concerning myself with what others will think of me, took hold of making choices for myself for the first time in my life and decided this is what I need to do.
Let me tell you, the liberation I have felt from FINALLY taking control of myself and my path in life was exhilarating, to say the least. The weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders after 30 years. I am still a stress-case, I still over-analyze, I still consider the repercussions and benefits of the choices I make, but now I do it for me and the concept turned into practice makes so much more sense. We can understand concepts and ideas and theories but until it is put into practice we have not truly mastered or even grasped the true meaning behind the words. I get it now... it is not about selfishness or about ignoring the needs of others. I used to put everyone else's needs before my own. Then I was advised, repeatedly, to take care of myself first otherwise you will be of no use to anyone else. SO I took care of my needs and sort of dis-associated from the people I love because I was absent of availability and of giving to them. So I essentially went from 1 extreme to the other without truly grasping the meaning of the advice. When I learned to finally let go of everyone else's views of myself and of the world and simply listened to my own heart and head, I realized that I do have a voice, that I do want to do things for me instead of following the illusion of a path chosen for me by a society intent upon forcing the "American Dream" upon us as the ultimate goal in life and those that do not achieve it are failures. That what I want is not necessarily what others want, especially in a straight-based culture that does not understand gay culture. I know what I want and I went out and got it. It may not be what others would want for me... but that doesn't matter anymore... it is what I want! And now that I have figured out what I want for myself and not struggling internally to find that answer of what do I want out of life, I can determine the time I need for myself to achieve my goals, and what time I can make available for those that I love so we can share and do for each other and benefit from a relationship where both parties are gaining from it and I can be present for them without sacrificing myself or my needs to do it.
Okay, so there is always a silver lining to every situation.. even a flat tire in Ghettosville. Time to reflect and ponder and essentially meditate to the mind and soul some good.
Also, I chose not to edit, revise or even re-read this message before posting because I want it as raw and unfiltered as possible to capture the train of thought I had in the moment. Having been a literature major and a part-time writer/poet, this form of expression is just one of many I enjoy toying with just to see what sort of impact it might have in engaging the reader and translating my thoughts to them as clearly and impactful as possible.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
(Archive from 2/27/10) Wednesday Night LIVE a success while on Friday, go-go dancers face off against burlesque performers at Versus...
This week was another busy week which started off with my very first solo scene! I performed on Hot House Backroom LIVE... and they are not kidding. If you have an accident, it's on film. If you are nervous and stutter and at a loss for words or direction, too bad. There is no CUT!
Anyone who knows me can easily confirm my notable degree of anxiety and social anxiety. I over-process and get stuck in my head. It feeds on itself til I manifest physical reactions to it. I am doing better but far from ideal when you are getting down and dirty with every inch of you exposed and being recorded to be mass-produced and watched by people all over the world... aand you have to end with a cum shot. So the pressure is always on to perform and bring your A game. I thought about what the crew would think about me if I delayed wrap of a shoot because I couldn't get off. That would almost prevent me from getting off! AAAHHH!
Anyway, I started the show nervous and kind of throwing my limbs around to fill up space (which makes no sense), no direction for what I want to bring to the show and five minutes to pull it together. Spontaneity is not a forte of mine. I need to think and plan out each step before proceeding. But I jumped in, slipped a little, but then the switch flipped and I was shoving every toy they could find by the end of the show. I even got my cum shot! Granted, we went over by 5 minutes and I worked every fiber of my being to do it... but it was a big victory for me. Ii was happy, the studio was happy... happy happy happy.
Soon friday, after an emotionally-draining day of work and events, I was booked to dance at the Lookout for Jeff Johnson's new Friday night party called Versus. It is a cool concept that
Monday, March 15, 2010
I am excited and I know y'all will enjoy it. Specifics to be released SOON! This will be up and running within a month.
Friday, March 12, 2010
A couple weeks ago, I was featured on hot house backroom live, where I did a pretty hot solo dildo show! almost took the fisting toy, got both heads of the double-headed dildo in, plus various other toys and tricks. It became an instructional how-to video for the amatuer toy players out there. I get a thrill from exposing people to new sexual experiences and liberating them. The moment you see that expression of bewilderment and pleasure mixed with confusion is matched by non other. I see the light switch flip on and have started another person down the road of sexual discovery!