I was stuck in the middle of Ghettosville for 5 hours today... how awesome is that?!?!? I had a lot of time, however, to think about porn and how much I love it. Having gone from almost quitting because of how difficult the shoots were, to fully enjoying and already saddened at the thought of the short life span of a porn career, I really have come full circle. I love my job! It is a lot of work, reputation, upkeep, social networking and being able to perform at the drop of a dime... but with all of the challenges aside, I am happy happy happy!
Part of that reason is because of my guardian angel (one of several) Ron Hull. His suicide was a traumatic moment in my life that was a catalyst for the sudden change in paths my life made about 2 years ago. The last year was the worst of my life.... BUT it taught me so much about how to live life and do for myself and to take a chance without pre-planning. It lead me to take a chance on trying the porn industry and put aside other peoples' opinions and just listen to my own voice. I stopped trying to please others, stopped concerning myself with what others will think of me, took hold of making choices for myself for the first time in my life and decided this is what I need to do.
Let me tell you, the liberation I have felt from FINALLY taking control of myself and my path in life was exhilarating, to say the least. The weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders after 30 years. I am still a stress-case, I still over-analyze, I still consider the repercussions and benefits of the choices I make, but now I do it for me and the concept turned into practice makes so much more sense. We can understand concepts and ideas and theories but until it is put into practice we have not truly mastered or even grasped the true meaning behind the words. I get it now... it is not about selfishness or about ignoring the needs of others. I used to put everyone else's needs before my own. Then I was advised, repeatedly, to take care of myself first otherwise you will be of no use to anyone else. SO I took care of my needs and sort of dis-associated from the people I love because I was absent of availability and of giving to them. So I essentially went from 1 extreme to the other without truly grasping the meaning of the advice. When I learned to finally let go of everyone else's views of myself and of the world and simply listened to my own heart and head, I realized that I do have a voice, that I do want to do things for me instead of following the illusion of a path chosen for me by a society intent upon forcing the "American Dream" upon us as the ultimate goal in life and those that do not achieve it are failures. That what I want is not necessarily what others want, especially in a straight-based culture that does not understand gay culture. I know what I want and I went out and got it. It may not be what others would want for me... but that doesn't matter anymore... it is what I want! And now that I have figured out what I want for myself and not struggling internally to find that answer of what do I want out of life, I can determine the time I need for myself to achieve my goals, and what time I can make available for those that I love so we can share and do for each other and benefit from a relationship where both parties are gaining from it and I can be present for them without sacrificing myself or my needs to do it.
Okay, so there is always a silver lining to every situation.. even a flat tire in Ghettosville. Time to reflect and ponder and essentially meditate to the mind and soul some good.
Also, I chose not to edit, revise or even re-read this message before posting because I want it as raw and unfiltered as possible to capture the train of thought I had in the moment. Having been a literature major and a part-time writer/poet, this form of expression is just one of many I enjoy toying with just to see what sort of impact it might have in engaging the reader and translating my thoughts to them as clearly and impactful as possible.