So I have to say, as hard as I tried not to get traspped in the pornstar lifestyle, I couldn't escape the world I was so adamant I could stay above. I went from personal trainer, supplement sales associate, entreprenuer etc to eacort and pornstar model (which is now essentially goen as I haven't been called for a shoot in a month and losing my physique now that I spend my days scanevenging for a buck to survive). I hate to admit when I am wrong, that I failed at something, that I wasn't level-headed enough to overcome obstacles I assumed were linked to amatuer, unexperienced new-comers to the real world. In fact, I have seen newbies maintain much better than I did. Granted, I do have to give myself pardon as other outside factors came into play... leveling my abilities to hold down a regular job (for instance the death of my best friend and core person who kept me level-headed and sane so unexpectedly), but I turned more inward to the porn worlkd to escape the realities that hurt me so bad it nearly killed me. Now I am stuck in a rut deeper than I have ever experienced before with little more than hopes of ever getting out.
My passion is gone, my drive is gone, normal functions seem so hard and getting re-acquainted with real life seems like a pipe dream. I am depressed, I have my clinical diagnosis confirming that... but I have functioned while depressed before. I have tried public assistance programs to stabilize my financial turmoil enough to allow me to get back on my feet but they keep hitting glitches prevcenting me from benefitting from the services that are supposed to be put in place to help people like me needing that grounding to get started back in the right direction. I owe friends and family so much money and I am such a drain to them, whereas before I was enjoyable company, now I am little more than an ugly leech and an avoided phone call anytime you see my number come up on the caller ID. I may be embelishing a little because of how I feel about myself right now but I have always been incredibly independent and would rather light myself on fire than ask for help. Now it is what keeps me alive is asking others for help. It makes me feel gross, less than human, like a drain on society, n humanity and providing nothing positive to the world. I am sick of it but don't know where else to go or what else to do.
I have seen others handicapped by depression to the point where they cannot function. I never understood as I always found a way to keep going even during the worst of my bouts with depression. I have hit a wall, however, and am now experiencing first-hand what a crippling effect depression can have. I feel like a pussy for letting such a little thing beat me... but in fact it's a culmination of things that come to a head and this is the result of almost 3 years of fighting to survive and live life on my own. I am a team player, I do well collaborating with another, which is why I have done well in long-term relationships. This independence thing is important to establish but to what lengths one must experience it is really dependent upon the personality you are dealing with. I am not one of those personalities. I riddle my brain with ideas and possibilities but need an outside voice to filter and bounce ideas off of to get me to the best solution for me. It has to be someone I inherently trust and that is not something you can create or force with someone, it just is or it isn't.
My core group of people were taken away from me, on by one, by an ex who I still love and am still frustrated by everyday of my life. He did bad things to me to take out his hurt and anger I crerated for him, and although I am partially to blame he conveniently let go of his own responsibilities that led to our breakup in the first place and should have diorected some of that anger back on himself. But anyway, with my best friend Trevor dying in the hospital on October 15, 2010, the last person inside that inner circle was the last person to be taken from me who I could turn to and be completely open and honest to about anything without fear of judgement or reprimand. I have been handicapped ever since. I need that cmmunication and I can't quite seem to find that connect again.
I could keep going but that's about as much processing as I can handle right now. Anyone who is willing to help or knows of a good resource to help, feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I don't know where else to turn other than to the friends and fans who have been the one source of positivity in my life this past year. What can you do to help? It kills me to ask but as I said I intend to be cmpletely open and honest on here to make you aware of what really goes on behind the scenes and so I keep true to my word and unveil myself and humble myself to ask for your help or words of advice. Thx.