Chicago, The Grabbys, & All That Jazz

Wow, that title just came to me and yet it is smart and clever... being in chicago... lol! Hey gang, it has been a whirlwind tour through the city of Chicago. Tonight was the Grabbys and yours truly posed as 1 of 4 trophy studs presentng the awards to the winners.

First off, I have to say I very much felt like an outsider. I suspected, but didn't realize to what depths, the trendy and cliquey la crowd very much runs in a pack together. I have never been trendy nor running with the popular crowd, coupled with social anxiety, really isolated me from everyone. It is elementary school all over again. I have the requirements to fit the mold but whatever the x-factor is that doesn't suit me, I seem to be involved with the group but not really a part of the group.

It sort of sucks that the whole clique mentality lingers, especially in this industry.... as I had assumed. I guess I am just spoiled by how well I am treated by my family at Hot House that I was disillusioned to think it would extend beyond the limit lines of san francisco.

I must say, however, that ms. Chi Chi LaRue has been such a sweetheart to me and I have to give her some big lovin' for being so kind. She was honestly one of the figures in porn I was afraid of and kept me from trying porn from many years. Her reputation preceeds her. But everytime I have met her now, she has been sweet, gentle and tame. Thank you, Chi Chi. I am not a very composed social creature so your kindness speaks volumes of your true character.

Anyway, The guys who run the show, Stacey and Mark, are great. They are working hard and dealing with a lot of egos! i try and keep low maintenance, which makes them appreciate me a little bit. OH! except I fell asleep just before I was supposed to get ready for the award show and set my alarm to vibrate instead of ring! so I almost missed the show but just at the last minute, Bruce Vilanch rolls up and offers me a ride in his limo! If you are going to show up late, show up in style and with a celebrity! I ended up on time and doing fine with my stage presenting. Oh by

the way, staning on stage for 4 hours is not very fun by the third hour. Hunger kicks in, knees start to ache, smiles turn to grimaces and sucking in the stomach is no longer a priority. The exposure, however, is great for a career. I guess nobody knows who the fuck I am, which is sort of a surprise being part of the hugely popular Hot House team, but again, the la clique runs the show. Being a northern california native, I was raised with a general disdain for southrn cal. living. Over-indulgent, lavish, high-,maintenance. I come from more simple living, supercuts hair cuts, basic cable tv only, camping as our family vacation. It is stereotyping at its worst and is unfair to lump everyone south and everyone north into 2 categories. I know each case is different but I will say that this did not help me break my biases. I was a bit sad but happy to still be representing SF as best I could. There was a highlight to my night, when Matthew Rush (are you serious? Matthew Rush came up to me?!?!?! Who am I?) came up to me and shook my hand and told me he was a fan of MINE! again, are you serious?!?! I was shocked and could barely reply. I geeked out and did m,yself a mis-justice by having nothing smart or even decipherable to say to him. Matthew, if you are out there, give me a call! I wan a second chance to reply with a much better response than.... duuhhhhh, and I'm flattered.... and 'drool.' Guys, I ned help! I am a social retard!!!

Okay, so we auctioned off our underwear at the end for HIV charity and my undies got $800. So that was good. Most of the other trophy guys were nice to me... except one who will remain nameless but you could guess by looking at each of our demeanors and easily spot who thinks he is hot shit... he maintains and encapsulated the negative stereotypes porn stars get a bad rap about. THis ego is so out of place... who cares who you are? you get fucked on camera and play the popularity game! BFD! What does that get you in the end? Not much that worth anything to your spirit and soul. so enjoy your egocentric life, just keep it from invading mine. I'll pass, thanks.

Geez, I don't mean to sound bitter... i guess some buttons of insecurity and irritation were pushed a bit and when I feel like an outsider for no real reason besides the fact I don't live in la and play the game, and I had to vent a liottle. This won't get me many new friends by writing this and I am sure it will cause more damage than good, but here is me being real about my feelings and speaking up the way I know how. There is a lot of good in the industry and it is obvious who tries to maintain the standards of maturity and professionalism within the industry. It is the egos of the momentary models that cascade an ugly cloud over the rest of us and focibly dissolve the bridge between audience and performer. The exact same bridge I am working hard to build and solidify. Their actions counteract my efforts and that sucks. They have a much larger team working for them and they are a machine that is hard to stop. I guess all I can do is keep trying. Keep my integrity, keep who I am real, not get caught up in the image and remember who I am... just another face in the crowd.

Message To The Rumor Spreaders

I need to preempt this by saying that this Blog posting is an emotional and raw response to some rumors I have heard spread lately. Comes with the territory of taking on a public job/career. I understand I need to build my filters but I am sensitive to this sort of rumor spreading because last year was so painful, coming close to suicidal thoughts and emotionally-crippling changes in my life I have yet to recover from... much of it fueled by an unsupportive community that got its jollys from dragging me and those involved through the mud and wringers for their entertainment and need to find self-worth through hurting others. The emotion that resides behind the words is targeted to those indioviuals. To the many friends and fans out there that will read this and is not directed towards, I want you to share in on understanding me, a bit of what I am dealing with and where I am coming from. I don't share this much with people, so I am giving you a little window to look a little deeper and see more of who I truly am inside.. not just the exterior that most people see. Once again, I am choosing not to edit this posting for anything more than spelling errors in an attempt to be less polished and planned and just be more real and raw! I am an aquarius, I analyze everything from every angle before I move. I want to move away from the pre-planned and tap more into spontaneity and the realness that comes from removing some of those filters.

Nobody has a complete picture of the hell I have gone through these past couple of years. There appear to be many people who think they do know, about me, about who I am, what I do, and have made their judgements about my character without ever walking up to my face and finding out first-hand whether or not the rumors they are using as their basis to judge me are true! I cannot tell you the crazy, outlandish rumors that have been flying around but people seem to have a much more grand idea of my life than the reality of it. Shoot, if I am going to be accused of deviant behavior, I should at least be able to enjoy it, right?! Instead I get blindsided by rumors and half-truths I had no idea were circulating and when approached about it, I am constantly amazed at who the sources of these rumors are. Typically, they tend to be people who project their own shame, guilt, or awkwardness on similar characteristics and embelish stories to give them attention and feel better that they have made someone feel worse.

Here's the punchline... I like who I am and I AM NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEING MYSELF! I like me. I am happy (for the most part) with my life. I am not ashamed of who I am, what I do, or what choices I make. There is no right or wrong answer. There is only benefits and drawbacks to every action and decision I/we make. I have to deflect a barrage of critically-viewed societal norms, judgements and taboos everyday awhile try to maintain my own belief system and sustain the trust I have in myself that I am happy with who I am and the criticisms of others cannot and will not hold me down any longer. They will not choose what path is proper for me, they will not implore their guilt and shame upon my back anymore. They will not lead me down the path they see fit anymore! I am on my path, I do what works for me, you can keep your judgements to yourself and exclude me from the swill of grief and shame you marinade yourselves in by yourselves. You will not be taking me down with you!I like me. If you don't, ignore me, leave me alone, just stop hurting me for no good reason. Don't utter my name. Don't spread rumors about me. If you want to know something about me, just ask me directly. I am happy to talk to you. If not, don't say my name because you don't know me!

Those who gossip and gab about people should spend that time workng on their own issues. It is the things we are irritated by in others that we actyually find troublesome within ouraselves! We see it reflected back at us and it is ugly and we don't like it so they I have been hurt by those I trusted, by those I thought I could count on, by a community that does not support me just wants to tear me down for believing in myself and not following the conventional paths. Here you go. I am a nice guy. I am humble, considerate, funny, intelligent, smart, incredibly humble, a good friend, compassionate to a fault, sensitive, emotional, thoughtful, flawed, messy, out-of-control, crabby when I am tired, sarcastic, short-tempered, anxious, socially anxious, a creature of habit,sexual, horny, sad, mad, happy, melancholy.... .etc etc I graduated top 10% with honors and taking AP/IB college courses in high school. I graduated UC Santa Cruz with a bachelor's degree in Literature in 4 years. I love math and do it for fun. I love video games and TV. I am mature beyond my age, I am young at heart, I am rarely balanced, I am clumsy but love sports, I am incredibly analytical, I am insecure many times, I laugh when I can because there is nothing more healing or enjoyable, I try not to whine or complain too much, I love sex. I am all over the map and can also hyper-focus one one specific task. I am inconsistent, I learn lessons from my experiences, I recently discovered how to remain in the present and not spend my days dwelling on the future and past. I have a long ways to go before I am "perfect." I don't strive to be perfect. I am comfortable with my ownb pace of learning and understanding. I am not trying to match your standards as I would have the past 30 years of my life. I am opinionated and stubborn. I am very closely guarded about who I am but have a way to convince others they think they know me without actually having to let anyone inside my soul.

I have problems, they are outweighed by my perks. For whatever reason, most people enjoy my company. I am not egotistical, in fact it has taken 31 years to reach a point where I am somewhat satisfied with myself. I am no better or worse, than anybody else. I have good days and bad days. I try not to be a hypocrit and working on my integrity and follow-through because I tend to burn myself out before completion because I am not good at pacing myself. The point is, I am as simple and complex as anybody else. I hurt when you degrade me and my reputation. I own my shit. I am happy to adress my shit and anything else face-to-face. In the meantime, spend these moments of gossip working on and owning your own shit because it is obvious you have a lot more than you are willing to acknowledge at present time. Make your life better and focus on it. Your life is sad if my life is more entertaining to discusss than your own. Think about it, you want to talk, come and find me. I am not hard to find.

only 2 days left on jock movie scene auction!

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Behind-The-Scenes part 2... the aftermath

this is behind-the-scenes footage at Hot House's latest movie shoot. This was shot after Alex Freitas and I did our scene. Enjoy this exclusive footage

Army movie video bog at hot house set on 4/29/10 pt1

this is behind-the-scenes footage at Hot House's latest movie shoot. This was shot before Alex freitas and I did our scene. Part 2 is us after our scene. Enjoy this exclusive footage

Sanctuary The Movie... posting is copied from Roma's article on hot house blog page

Men Of Prey From Sanctuary I
Filed under: News — roma on April 28, 2010 at 2:36 pm

Stunning sets, over-the-top action, and stunning HD all contribute to the success of Steven Scarborough’s Sanctuary I. But lets face it – the reason Backroom Members are raving over our latest hit is the all-star, stunning cast. Feast your eyes on these men of prey and know that there are more where they came from. Find them all in the Sanctuary!

Hot House Exclusive Craig Reynolds not only leads this cast of muscular, hung sex pigs, he graces the cover! Here’s a head’s up… you can see Craig in person at the Grabbys in Chicago over Memorial Day Weekend. He has been hand-selected to be a Trophy Boy. (That makes Hot House the real winner because who needs a trophy? We’ve got Craig!)