First off, I have to say I very much felt like an outsider. I suspected, but didn't realize to what depths, the trendy and cliquey la crowd very much runs in a pack together. I have never been trendy nor running with the popular crowd, coupled with social anxiety, really isolated me from everyone. It is elementary school all over again. I have the requirements to fit the mold but whatever the x-factor is that doesn't suit me, I seem to be involved with the group but not really a part of the group.
It sort of sucks that the whole clique mentality lingers, especially in this industry.... as I had assumed. I guess I am just spoiled by how well I am treated by my family at Hot House that I was disillusioned to think it would extend beyond the limit lines of san francisco.
I must say, however, that ms. Chi Chi LaRue has been such a sweetheart to me and I have to give her some big lovin' for being so kind. She was honestly one of the figures in porn I was afraid of and kept me from trying porn from many years. Her reputation preceeds her. But everytime I have met her now, she has been sweet, gentle and tame. Thank you, Chi Chi. I am not a very composed social creature so your kindness speaks volumes of your true character.
Anyway, The guys who run the show, Stacey and Mark, are great. They are working hard and dealing with a lot of egos! i try and keep low maintenance, which makes them appreciate me a little bit. OH! except I fell asleep just before I was supposed to get ready for the award show and set my alarm to vibrate instead of ring! so I almost missed the show but just at the last minute, Bruce Vilanch rolls up and offers me a ride in his limo! If you are going to show up late, show up in style and with a celebrity! I ended up on time and doing fine with my stage presenting. Oh by
the way, staning on stage for 4 hours is not very fun by the third hour. Hunger kicks in, knees start to ache, smiles turn to grimaces and sucking in the stomach is no longer a priority. The exposure, however, is great for a career. I guess nobody knows who the fuck I am, which is sort of a surprise being part of the hugely popular Hot House team, but again, the la clique runs the show. Being a northern california native, I was raised with a general disdain for southrn cal. living. Over-indulgent, lavish, high-,maintenance. I come from more simple living, supercuts hair cuts, basic cable tv only, camping as our family vacation. It is stereotyping at its worst and is unfair to lump everyone south and everyone north into 2 categories. I know each case is different but I will say that this did not help me break my biases. I was a bit sad but happy to still be representing SF as best I could. There was a highlight to my night, when Matthew Rush (are you serious? Matthew Rush came up to me?!?!?! Who am I?) came up to me and shook my hand and told me he was a fan of MINE! again, are you serious?!?! I was shocked and could barely reply. I geeked out and did m,yself a mis-justice by having nothing smart or even decipherable to say to him. Matthew, if you are out there, give me a call! I wan a second chance to reply with a much better response than.... duuhhhhh, and I'm flattered.... and 'drool.' Guys, I ned help! I am a social retard!!!
Okay, so we auctioned off our underwear at the end for HIV charity and my undies got $800. So that was good. Most of the other trophy guys were nice to me... except one who will remain nameless but you could guess by looking at each of our demeanors and easily spot who thinks he is hot shit... he maintains and encapsulated the negative stereotypes porn stars get a bad rap about. THis ego is so out of place... who cares who you are? you get fucked on camera and play the popularity game! BFD! What does that get you in the end? Not much that worth anything to your spirit and soul. so enjoy your egocentric life, just keep it from invading mine. I'll pass, thanks.
Geez, I don't mean to sound bitter... i guess some buttons of insecurity and irritation were pushed a bit and when I feel like an outsider for no real reason besides the fact I don't live in la and play the game, and I had to vent a liottle. This won't get me many new friends by writing this and I am sure it will cause more damage than good, but here is me being real about my feelings and speaking up the way I know how. There is a lot of good in the industry and it is obvious who tries to maintain the standards of maturity and professionalism within the industry. It is the egos of the momentary models that cascade an ugly cloud over the rest of us and focibly dissolve the bridge between audience and performer. The exact same bridge I am working hard to build and solidify. Their actions counteract my efforts and that sucks. They have a much larger team working for them and they are a machine that is hard to stop. I guess all I can do is keep trying. Keep my integrity, keep who I am real, not get caught up in the image and remember who I am... just another face in the crowd.