Friday, May 14, 2010

Message To The Rumor Spreaders

I need to preempt this by saying that this Blog posting is an emotional and raw response to some rumors I have heard spread lately. Comes with the territory of taking on a public job/career. I understand I need to build my filters but I am sensitive to this sort of rumor spreading because last year was so painful, coming close to suicidal thoughts and emotionally-crippling changes in my life I have yet to recover from... much of it fueled by an unsupportive community that got its jollys from dragging me and those involved through the mud and wringers for their entertainment and need to find self-worth through hurting others. The emotion that resides behind the words is targeted to those indioviuals. To the many friends and fans out there that will read this and is not directed towards, I want you to share in on understanding me, a bit of what I am dealing with and where I am coming from. I don't share this much with people, so I am giving you a little window to look a little deeper and see more of who I truly am inside.. not just the exterior that most people see. Once again, I am choosing not to edit this posting for anything more than spelling errors in an attempt to be less polished and planned and just be more real and raw! I am an aquarius, I analyze everything from every angle before I move. I want to move away from the pre-planned and tap more into spontaneity and the realness that comes from removing some of those filters.

Nobody has a complete picture of the hell I have gone through these past couple of years. There appear to be many people who think they do know, about me, about who I am, what I do, and have made their judgements about my character without ever walking up to my face and finding out first-hand whether or not the rumors they are using as their basis to judge me are true! I cannot tell you the crazy, outlandish rumors that have been flying around but people seem to have a much more grand idea of my life than the reality of it. Shoot, if I am going to be accused of deviant behavior, I should at least be able to enjoy it, right?! Instead I get blindsided by rumors and half-truths I had no idea were circulating and when approached about it, I am constantly amazed at who the sources of these rumors are. Typically, they tend to be people who project their own shame, guilt, or awkwardness on similar characteristics and embelish stories to give them attention and feel better that they have made someone feel worse.

Here's the punchline... I like who I am and I AM NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEING MYSELF! I like me. I am happy (for the most part) with my life. I am not ashamed of who I am, what I do, or what choices I make. There is no right or wrong answer. There is only benefits and drawbacks to every action and decision I/we make. I have to deflect a barrage of critically-viewed societal norms, judgements and taboos everyday awhile try to maintain my own belief system and sustain the trust I have in myself that I am happy with who I am and the criticisms of others cannot and will not hold me down any longer. They will not choose what path is proper for me, they will not implore their guilt and shame upon my back anymore. They will not lead me down the path they see fit anymore! I am on my path, I do what works for me, you can keep your judgements to yourself and exclude me from the swill of grief and shame you marinade yourselves in by yourselves. You will not be taking me down with you!I like me. If you don't, ignore me, leave me alone, just stop hurting me for no good reason. Don't utter my name. Don't spread rumors about me. If you want to know something about me, just ask me directly. I am happy to talk to you. If not, don't say my name because you don't know me!

Those who gossip and gab about people should spend that time workng on their own issues. It is the things we are irritated by in others that we actyually find troublesome within ouraselves! We see it reflected back at us and it is ugly and we don't like it so they I have been hurt by those I trusted, by those I thought I could count on, by a community that does not support me just wants to tear me down for believing in myself and not following the conventional paths. Here you go. I am a nice guy. I am humble, considerate, funny, intelligent, smart, incredibly humble, a good friend, compassionate to a fault, sensitive, emotional, thoughtful, flawed, messy, out-of-control, crabby when I am tired, sarcastic, short-tempered, anxious, socially anxious, a creature of habit,sexual, horny, sad, mad, happy, melancholy.... .etc etc I graduated top 10% with honors and taking AP/IB college courses in high school. I graduated UC Santa Cruz with a bachelor's degree in Literature in 4 years. I love math and do it for fun. I love video games and TV. I am mature beyond my age, I am young at heart, I am rarely balanced, I am clumsy but love sports, I am incredibly analytical, I am insecure many times, I laugh when I can because there is nothing more healing or enjoyable, I try not to whine or complain too much, I love sex. I am all over the map and can also hyper-focus one one specific task. I am inconsistent, I learn lessons from my experiences, I recently discovered how to remain in the present and not spend my days dwelling on the future and past. I have a long ways to go before I am "perfect." I don't strive to be perfect. I am comfortable with my ownb pace of learning and understanding. I am not trying to match your standards as I would have the past 30 years of my life. I am opinionated and stubborn. I am very closely guarded about who I am but have a way to convince others they think they know me without actually having to let anyone inside my soul.

I have problems, they are outweighed by my perks. For whatever reason, most people enjoy my company. I am not egotistical, in fact it has taken 31 years to reach a point where I am somewhat satisfied with myself. I am no better or worse, than anybody else. I have good days and bad days. I try not to be a hypocrit and working on my integrity and follow-through because I tend to burn myself out before completion because I am not good at pacing myself. The point is, I am as simple and complex as anybody else. I hurt when you degrade me and my reputation. I own my shit. I am happy to adress my shit and anything else face-to-face. In the meantime, spend these moments of gossip working on and owning your own shit because it is obvious you have a lot more than you are willing to acknowledge at present time. Make your life better and focus on it. Your life is sad if my life is more entertaining to discusss than your own. Think about it, you want to talk, come and find me. I am not hard to find.

12 comments:

  1. I have no idea what the rumor is, but now I am so curious I am beside myself. SF is a really small place and the folks who are spreading this rumor about you are just turkeys who are trying to ruin your life. This blog is on the internet and goes out to the entire world. So a tiny rumor has now been spread to the entire world by you. I think it is good that you wrote this post to express your feelings, but I would delete now that it has served its purpose.

    I am also sensitive to what other people say about me, but over time I have learned to diffuse situations instead of making them worse. This post does not diffuse the situation. Perhaps you should have spoken to the individuals involved personally or sought out your friends on this matter for support.

    What do I know? I don't have any friends. I only learned this stuff through work. I'm just gonna shut up. Hope to meet you at Folsom this September Craig.

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  2. Hey sport, so sorry you are going through this. I'll bring one humongous bear hug for you next week.

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  3. Hey Craig as a fan I am sorry to hear you are going thru a rough time. I hope you continue to live your life on your own terms and surround yourself with people who truly care for you. I agree with ultraaman and send you a big hug plus a kiss ! Be well and don't let lies about you even the very hurtful ones get the better of you :).

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  4. take it from someone who know !!! ... Start making yourself happy & simply ignore mean people who seem to never have anything (+) to say because they themselves are unhappy ! :)

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  5. Hey Craig,

    A very eloquent blog entry. All I can say is forget the naysayers and the gossips. You seem like you are comfortable with knowing your own truth and that is all that matters. No matter what, people will always talk. You are right, they have no life, or just want to ignore the problems in their own, so they focus on hurting others. That's not your problem, you are in a good place, don't let them drag you down to there bad miserable place. What is important is that you are a good person, and you recognize it, don't ever let anyone make you second guess that or question yourself. Keep your head up, and remember don't look back to see who is chasing you down, the more you look back the more opportunity you give others to catch up to you and cause yourself to fall back and lose pace. Take it easy.

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  6. Hi Craig,

    That is an amazing blog entry. Sadly, I think all to often many of us find ourselves at some point victims of school yard gossip mongering that lives on after the after school bell has tolled its final time and those years are left behind.

    The fact you can verbalise yourself so well speaks to your heart and your character, and that regardless of what ever the 'talk' is - it hasn't changed that.

    Take it easy,

    Dan

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  7. Hey Craig,
    I'm a huge fan and wanted you to know that man. You're such an eloquent writer, and this is a great blog. Sorry that some people are being idiots. I look forward to reading your next postings.

    To hell w/ those who spread rumors.

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  8. are you planning to have another auction of your belongings? i just found this blog so i missed your last one. please consider doing it again.

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  9. I thank everyone for their loving support and concern for my well being. Also, some of your advice is well-spoken and appropriate for others going through similar situations. I guess the reason I posted this is because last year i had an emotional connect to criticism and was beat down by the response to the public exposure of my private affairs. This time around,m my message is to say my piece and be just as vocal on this side of the issue as the gossip group is on their side.
    we hear the negative voices, the criticisms and complaints people have of us but rarely does the positive feedback get spoken, at least with as much passion. Likewise, if nobody speaks up and brings issues to the surface, change is not going to be made.
    people will always talk and we do have to learn to brush off their comments, it is another issue, however, when these comments affect future relations with other people who hear these rumors and use them to develop an impression of you and judgement of you without ever knowing or being able to defend yourself against these accusations. So I am saying that if you hear a rumor about me, don't judge me until you hear my point of view and get to know who i am, not what you heard.

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  10. Bravo to you Craig for confronting the negative-nellies in this world. I swear, the LGBT community can sometimes be its own worst enemy when people get all up in other folks business. Everyone needs to just take care of themselves and do right by others...what a wonderful world it would be if that happened!

    I've been where you are at in life from the little you shared so I know how every day can be a challenge. Keep your head up and focus on the things that bring you happiness :)

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