I need to preempt this by saying that this Blog posting is an emotional and raw response to some rumors I have heard spread lately. Comes with the territory of taking on a public job/career. I understand I need to build my filters but I am sensitive to this sort of rumor spreading because last year was so painful, coming close to suicidal thoughts and emotionally-crippling changes in my life I have yet to recover from... much of it fueled by an unsupportive community that got its jollys from dragging me and those involved through the mud and wringers for their entertainment and need to find self-worth through hurting others. The emotion that resides behind the words is targeted to those indioviuals. To the many friends and fans out there that will read this and is not directed towards, I want you to share in on understanding me, a bit of what I am dealing with and where I am coming from. I don't share this much with people, so I am giving you a little window to look a little deeper and see more of who I truly am inside.. not just the exterior that most people see. Once again, I am choosing not to edit this posting for anything more than spelling errors in an attempt to be less polished and planned and just be more real and raw! I am an aquarius, I analyze everything from every angle before I move. I want to move away from the pre-planned and tap more into spontaneity and the realness that comes from removing some of those filters.
Nobody has a complete picture of the hell I have gone through these past couple of years. There appear to be many people who think they do know, about me, about who I am, what I do, and have made their judgements about my character without ever walking up to my face and finding out first-hand whether or not the rumors they are using as their basis to judge me are true! I cannot tell you the crazy, outlandish rumors that have been flying around but people seem to have a much more grand idea of my life than the reality of it. Shoot, if I am going to be accused of deviant behavior, I should at least be able to enjoy it, right?! Instead I get blindsided by rumors and half-truths I had no idea were circulating and when approached about it, I am constantly amazed at who the sources of these rumors are. Typically, they tend to be people who project their own shame, guilt, or awkwardness on similar characteristics and embelish stories to give them attention and feel better that they have made someone feel worse.
Here's the punchline... I like who I am and I AM NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEING MYSELF! I like me. I am happy (for the most part) with my life. I am not ashamed of who I am, what I do, or what choices I make. There is no right or wrong answer. There is only benefits and drawbacks to every action and decision I/we make. I have to deflect a barrage of critically-viewed societal norms, judgements and taboos everyday awhile try to maintain my own belief system and sustain the trust I have in myself that I am happy with who I am and the criticisms of others cannot and will not hold me down any longer. They will not choose what path is proper for me, they will not implore their guilt and shame upon my back anymore. They will not lead me down the path they see fit anymore! I am on my path, I do what works for me, you can keep your judgements to yourself and exclude me from the swill of grief and shame you marinade yourselves in by yourselves. You will not be taking me down with you!I like me. If you don't, ignore me, leave me alone, just stop hurting me for no good reason. Don't utter my name. Don't spread rumors about me. If you want to know something about me, just ask me directly. I am happy to talk to you. If not, don't say my name because you don't know me!
Those who gossip and gab about people should spend that time workng on their own issues. It is the things we are irritated by in others that we actyually find troublesome within ouraselves! We see it reflected back at us and it is ugly and we don't like it so they I have been hurt by those I trusted, by those I thought I could count on, by a community that does not support me just wants to tear me down for believing in myself and not following the conventional paths. Here you go. I am a nice guy. I am humble, considerate, funny, intelligent, smart, incredibly humble, a good friend, compassionate to a fault, sensitive, emotional, thoughtful, flawed, messy, out-of-control, crabby when I am tired, sarcastic, short-tempered, anxious, socially anxious, a creature of habit,sexual, horny, sad, mad, happy, melancholy.... .etc etc I graduated top 10% with honors and taking AP/IB college courses in high school. I graduated UC Santa Cruz with a bachelor's degree in Literature in 4 years. I love math and do it for fun. I love video games and TV. I am mature beyond my age, I am young at heart, I am rarely balanced, I am clumsy but love sports, I am incredibly analytical, I am insecure many times, I laugh when I can because there is nothing more healing or enjoyable, I try not to whine or complain too much, I love sex. I am all over the map and can also hyper-focus one one specific task. I am inconsistent, I learn lessons from my experiences, I recently discovered how to remain in the present and not spend my days dwelling on the future and past. I have a long ways to go before I am "perfect." I don't strive to be perfect. I am comfortable with my ownb pace of learning and understanding. I am not trying to match your standards as I would have the past 30 years of my life. I am opinionated and stubborn. I am very closely guarded about who I am but have a way to convince others they think they know me without actually having to let anyone inside my soul.
I have problems, they are outweighed by my perks. For whatever reason, most people enjoy my company. I am not egotistical, in fact it has taken 31 years to reach a point where I am somewhat satisfied with myself. I am no better or worse, than anybody else. I have good days and bad days. I try not to be a hypocrit and working on my integrity and follow-through because I tend to burn myself out before completion because I am not good at pacing myself. The point is, I am as simple and complex as anybody else. I hurt when you degrade me and my reputation. I own my shit. I am happy to adress my shit and anything else face-to-face. In the meantime, spend these moments of gossip working on and owning your own shit because it is obvious you have a lot more than you are willing to acknowledge at present time. Make your life better and focus on it. Your life is sad if my life is more entertaining to discusss than your own. Think about it, you want to talk, come and find me. I am not hard to find.