Milwaukee RULES!!

Milwaukee RULES!!

I have made a new cast of friends out in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.  First off, the accents are real!  It is so cute listening to these hot midwestern guys talk with an accent that softens any rough exterior they might be sporting.  Second, everyone was so nice and fun and welcoming and casual... no attitude or social ladder pre-established that must be climbed in order to be welcomed.  Granted, I am an outsider there for one night so the politics may have escaped me but from the disastrous past few months compared to the event at BOOM last night, it was a welcomed change and escape from a challenging daily existence back home in SF.

David, the owner and sexy fucker who tended to my every need... well, except for one, was a total sweetheart, put me up at The Hilton hotel even though I was in town until 8am, drove me to and from the airport and really put me at ease from beginning to end.  Likewise, the crowd and the staff at BOOM were so friendly and welcoming and funny... I actually enjoyed myself and didn't go anxiety-cazy and run away crying!  I couldn't believe it!  It has been a while since I travelled anywhere solo and even longer since I didn't have some sort of mini-anxiety-related-crisis!  Though I have to return home to a bag full of problems, this one night in Milwaukee helped refuel my depleted energy cells.

Okay, here is the gossip (this is all in fun in hopes that a few of the guys read this and get a kick out of me remembering way more than you probably wish I had).  Brad the bartender is a sexy school teacher (think roleplay fantasy, think Van Halen "i'm hot for teacher") but he has crabs and gonnhorhea so he needs to tend to that before I can slut it up and hit on that (he really doesn't... at least not that I know but he is a good sport and I do know he wanted to get me from the airport instead of David and threatened physical harm to get it).  Mike the cop is such the cocky cop attitude fucker who will turn from police pig to sex pig in 0.3 seconds!  oink!  Lance was the queit bartender... to quiet... nobody had gossip on him which means he is probably the most twisted one of all!  Brad the patron is so funny... all night he kept coming by when I was engaged in 'social activity' with the patrons and said to come see him.  He got fed up that I couldn't escape the adoration of the majority and ended up putting his finger up my butt and then getting caught by me and looking like he didn't know how he got there... ROFL!  that was some funny ass stuff and i adore him for it!  There was one gentleman, firgive me for forgetting your name, whose cock is apparently so impressive and so talented that it will actually bite you and can be found on XTube.  Tim, who also picked me up from the airport, accused me of having an accent... and I accused him of having a slur after 14 beers.  That in itself is quite an impressive feat and he is hot so it just made the situation that much mmore fun to tease him.  There was William and Kyle who drove for a couple hours just to see me!!! There were birthday boys, shy boys hiding in corners, up-and-coming pornstars and strippers that I had to educate were well on their way with their sexy moves and erotic,enticing, rhythmic dancing meant for the top of the best gay bars in the world!  I was spanked, fingered, kissed, sucked, teased, tipped, groped and hugged... best of all was the abundant attention given to my nipples and the major hardons that ensued!  You guys are the best!  Thank you so much for making me feel so welcome!

I hope to return and I hope to see the same smiling faces.  I was a bit hurt that the reputable "biter" didn't bite me or leave his mark... and my flexibility is for shit when trying to get down from the bar to greet the patrons, I felt like an old man trying to sit on the pot from the support of his walker.  Otherwise, I have never felt good standing on a bar at any club or bar until now.  I wasn't embarrassed by my sporiasis, I felt wanted and appreciated, I felt the things I have not felt for myself in a while.  So for these prior strangers (now friends) to help fill in the gaps like that, whether conscious of it or not, was really special.

Headed To Milwaukee

Got an appearance to make tomorrow night, which I am excited about... however I was in a car accident last night and my back hurts, my accounts were closed because I deposited what turned out to be a fraudulent check to pay for furniture I was selling, and still reeling from my best friend's sudden and unexpected passing.  Let's nto forget psoriasis is still present and depression has been tough to avoid.  I tell ya, I am going to give my best face but the circumstances coming into this have been the worst of my life in such a short amount of time.  I hope to start reporting more uplifting news soon... I haven't had much to report to you as of late.

Best Friend

A couple days ago I lost my best friend in the world.  He meant more to me than a friend, he was my rock, my love and my hero.  I was blessed to have him in my life.  He arrived in time to help me through the toughest time of my life... and now he has been taken away and inadvertently created a new worst time in my life.  He meant the world to me and I am so empty without him.  You would have loved him.  Heart of gold.  Funny, sweet, smart, sexy, hot body, great butt and dick, he would love that I said that, and the person in my life I could always rely on, no matter what the problem was.  He was suddenly ripped from my life and nobody really understands why.  He is still watching over my shoulder and I am sure sounding as the voice of reason in my ear for the rest of my life until that day when it is my time to pass and he will be there to take my hand and we can walk together, side by side, into the bright white light. Until then, however, it will be painful to endure the thought that I won't ever get to see his charming smile or sultry and sexy voice ever again.  My heart is aching and my world feels ready to crumble.  I dunno... I am lost without him.

I love you Trevor. You will always be remembered and held dearly in my heart.  And we will be reunited again... in time.  Don't ever leave me again.

What a Weekend..

So I have a new appreciation for how hard it is to be pretty AND popular.  I know that is a hideous first line but it is leading somewhere.  Trust me.  I have worked as a model for Steamworks and other booths at street fairs before.  I have go-go danced for a decade, lugging around my suitcase of go-go wear through the most densely populated crowds imaginable.  I have had to maintain a cheery disposition when I was feeling awful, and as a trainer I worked in a high-visibility position in one of the biggest social scenes known to gay man... the Castro.  People know me, know of me, or have at least seen me around (whether they like it or not).  I worked for Gold's gym for 3 years and Active Nutririon for 4 (both Castro-based).  I am blessed to have the opportunites I have had that allowed me to get to know some wonderful people!  But here's the thing... with all of the appearances we had to make this past weekend, it was essentially taking every previous job I just mentioned and forced every grueling aspect of them  into one weekend!  Now don't get me wrong, it was so fun and flattering and exciting to be greeted by so many people who appreciate the performances (movie, dancing or otherwise) because I really do commit everything I've got to give the best show I  can.  And when I hear about how people enjoy what I do, it confirms that my efforts are valued and appreciated.  It honestly warms my heart.

Okay, but seriously, after trying to do all of that for 4 straight days it's just hard not to be completely drained of every ounce of positive energy in your body.  Each friend and fan deserves a smile and acknowledgement, so everyone gets a little piece of that energy... but by the end, I am zombified!  Real Bad came rolling around and after crowds, go-go dnacing and costumes and interviews, GAYVN's, 2 movie premiers, a tailgate party and another gogo gig saturday, and a full day at the fair greeeting hundreds and photographing, signing, draining of energy by the sun and heavy crowds and busting my ass to get to every event, I showed up for maybe an hour of Real Bad and had to leave.  Nothing was going to rejuvenate me from all the publicity work I did and my mood was a fair bit sour... so I just needed to go!

Before I started my adult film career, I would have said... I can do that! How lame that he is griping about adoration from fans and constant party appearances.... such a tough life!  Blah blah blah!  Until you walk a mile in another man's shoes... let's just say I learned a lesson on the work that goes into presenting a positive public persona.  It usually comes naturally... I just be myself.  But there is no downtime to re-connect with yourself and breathe.  You have no choice but to push on through!

Was it tough?  Yes.  Was I ready for it?  I thought I was.  Would I do it again?  In a heartbeat!  I am so lucky everyday I get to play this part of a pornstar.  One day, it will  be gone.... and as I said in the very beginning (before my first blog page disappeared), I know i will be sad when it is all over and I will feel a bit empty and sad when gay porn is done with me and I am a washed-up has-been... BUT I will be greatful for the moment in time that was mine and for that I would happily jump at the chance to do it all again.

Now if I was someone reading this, i would think I was retarded and a douche for suggesting the publicity tour was such tough work in comparison to other things in life.  Yes, starvation and homelessness, disease and death are significantly more taxing life challenges.  My point is that no matter what we do, when we really give it our all and do the best job we can, it can be hard to get into the flow of things without a lot of prior experience.  And since my whole mission for this blog is to me the outsider on the inside reporting back wbhat it's like to be a party of the adult film industry, i have to report the good, the bad, embarrassing and retarded.  Speaking of which, the psoriasis is healing finally!  So hopefully back in the studio next month.  woohyoo!  So for now, I wish bon voyage and adieu... to u and u and u.  I hope it was a good folsom for everyone, it was exciting to meet a number of you and put the physical person to the screennames and emails I normally see.  I enjoyed each person's company, i was not disappointed by a single person's sincerity and geniune support.  you r all awesome and keep me motivated to work hard.. even when it feels like i dont have much other reason to push through asnd improve on things.  I love you guys!! no i'm not high.... but it does sound kinda drunky ecstacy- speak... lol!  I have some pics somehere to add as well... sooon