So I have a new appreciation for how hard it is to be pretty AND popular. I know that is a hideous first line but it is leading somewhere. Trust me. I have worked as a model for Steamworks and other booths at street fairs before. I have go-go danced for a decade, lugging around my suitcase of go-go wear through the most densely populated crowds imaginable. I have had to maintain a cheery disposition when I was feeling awful, and as a trainer I worked in a high-visibility position in one of the biggest social scenes known to gay man... the Castro. People know me, know of me, or have at least seen me around (whether they like it or not). I worked for Gold's gym for 3 years and Active Nutririon for 4 (both Castro-based). I am blessed to have the opportunites I have had that allowed me to get to know some wonderful people! But here's the thing... with all of the appearances we had to make this past weekend, it was essentially taking every previous job I just mentioned and forced every grueling aspect of them into one weekend! Now don't get me wrong, it was so fun and flattering and exciting to be greeted by so many people who appreciate the performances (movie, dancing or otherwise) because I really do commit everything I've got to give the best show I can. And when I hear about how people enjoy what I do, it confirms that my efforts are valued and appreciated. It honestly warms my heart.
Okay, but seriously, after trying to do all of that for 4 straight days it's just hard not to be completely drained of every ounce of positive energy in your body. Each friend and fan deserves a smile and acknowledgement, so everyone gets a little piece of that energy... but by the end, I am zombified! Real Bad came rolling around and after crowds, go-go dnacing and costumes and interviews, GAYVN's, 2 movie premiers, a tailgate party and another gogo gig saturday, and a full day at the fair greeeting hundreds and photographing, signing, draining of energy by the sun and heavy crowds and busting my ass to get to every event, I showed up for maybe an hour of Real Bad and had to leave. Nothing was going to rejuvenate me from all the publicity work I did and my mood was a fair bit sour... so I just needed to go!
Before I started my adult film career, I would have said... I can do that! How lame that he is griping about adoration from fans and constant party appearances.... such a tough life! Blah blah blah! Until you walk a mile in another man's shoes... let's just say I learned a lesson on the work that goes into presenting a positive public persona. It usually comes naturally... I just be myself. But there is no downtime to re-connect with yourself and breathe. You have no choice but to push on through!
Was it tough? Yes. Was I ready for it? I thought I was. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat! I am so lucky everyday I get to play this part of a pornstar. One day, it will be gone.... and as I said in the very beginning (before my first blog page disappeared), I know i will be sad when it is all over and I will feel a bit empty and sad when gay porn is done with me and I am a washed-up has-been... BUT I will be greatful for the moment in time that was mine and for that I would happily jump at the chance to do it all again.
Now if I was someone reading this, i would think I was retarded and a douche for suggesting the publicity tour was such tough work in comparison to other things in life. Yes, starvation and homelessness, disease and death are significantly more taxing life challenges. My point is that no matter what we do, when we really give it our all and do the best job we can, it can be hard to get into the flow of things without a lot of prior experience. And since my whole mission for this blog is to me the outsider on the inside reporting back wbhat it's like to be a party of the adult film industry, i have to report the good, the bad, embarrassing and retarded. Speaking of which, the psoriasis is healing finally! So hopefully back in the studio next month. woohyoo! So for now, I wish bon voyage and adieu... to u and u and u. I hope it was a good folsom for everyone, it was exciting to meet a number of you and put the physical person to the screennames and emails I normally see. I enjoyed each person's company, i was not disappointed by a single person's sincerity and geniune support. you r all awesome and keep me motivated to work hard.. even when it feels like i dont have much other reason to push through asnd improve on things. I love you guys!! no i'm not high.... but it does sound kinda drunky ecstacy- speak... lol! I have some pics somehere to add as well... sooon