Craig Reynolds Collection
Guess who has their own collection of scenes being released by Hot House?!?! Yes, yours truly! This follows on the heels of my Hottest Bottom nomination by the 2012 GRABBYs commuttee... I am super stoked and honored and flatteredto have any of this and to even still be relevant. It has been a while since I posted anything and I had intended to be more consistent before now but life has continued to be very tricky for me so it'll be a process to get back into the full swing of things. For the fans, however, I will really put forth the effort to pull it together and get back on track to keep u current on things happening and bring you new content to watch and enjoy. Thanks to everyone who has stepped up to help pull me out of the funk I've been stuck in this past year+. Love you all...
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Score 2 and Cruise Control NEW MOVIE SCENE PICS!
I will respond with an update soon but wanted to get these pics up for you (courtesy of Hot House Entertainment)
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Woes
So I have to say, as hard as I tried not to get traspped in the pornstar lifestyle, I couldn't escape the world I was so adamant I could stay above. I went from personal trainer, supplement sales associate, entreprenuer etc to eacort and pornstar model (which is now essentially goen as I haven't been called for a shoot in a month and losing my physique now that I spend my days scanevenging for a buck to survive). I hate to admit when I am wrong, that I failed at something, that I wasn't level-headed enough to overcome obstacles I assumed were linked to amatuer, unexperienced new-comers to the real world. In fact, I have seen newbies maintain much better than I did. Granted, I do have to give myself pardon as other outside factors came into play... leveling my abilities to hold down a regular job (for instance the death of my best friend and core person who kept me level-headed and sane so unexpectedly), but I turned more inward to the porn worlkd to escape the realities that hurt me so bad it nearly killed me. Now I am stuck in a rut deeper than I have ever experienced before with little more than hopes of ever getting out.
My passion is gone, my drive is gone, normal functions seem so hard and getting re-acquainted with real life seems like a pipe dream. I am depressed, I have my clinical diagnosis confirming that... but I have functioned while depressed before. I have tried public assistance programs to stabilize my financial turmoil enough to allow me to get back on my feet but they keep hitting glitches prevcenting me from benefitting from the services that are supposed to be put in place to help people like me needing that grounding to get started back in the right direction. I owe friends and family so much money and I am such a drain to them, whereas before I was enjoyable company, now I am little more than an ugly leech and an avoided phone call anytime you see my number come up on the caller ID. I may be embelishing a little because of how I feel about myself right now but I have always been incredibly independent and would rather light myself on fire than ask for help. Now it is what keeps me alive is asking others for help. It makes me feel gross, less than human, like a drain on society, n humanity and providing nothing positive to the world. I am sick of it but don't know where else to go or what else to do.
I have seen others handicapped by depression to the point where they cannot function. I never understood as I always found a way to keep going even during the worst of my bouts with depression. I have hit a wall, however, and am now experiencing first-hand what a crippling effect depression can have. I feel like a pussy for letting such a little thing beat me... but in fact it's a culmination of things that come to a head and this is the result of almost 3 years of fighting to survive and live life on my own. I am a team player, I do well collaborating with another, which is why I have done well in long-term relationships. This independence thing is important to establish but to what lengths one must experience it is really dependent upon the personality you are dealing with. I am not one of those personalities. I riddle my brain with ideas and possibilities but need an outside voice to filter and bounce ideas off of to get me to the best solution for me. It has to be someone I inherently trust and that is not something you can create or force with someone, it just is or it isn't.
My core group of people were taken away from me, on by one, by an ex who I still love and am still frustrated by everyday of my life. He did bad things to me to take out his hurt and anger I crerated for him, and although I am partially to blame he conveniently let go of his own responsibilities that led to our breakup in the first place and should have diorected some of that anger back on himself. But anyway, with my best friend Trevor dying in the hospital on October 15, 2010, the last person inside that inner circle was the last person to be taken from me who I could turn to and be completely open and honest to about anything without fear of judgement or reprimand. I have been handicapped ever since. I need that cmmunication and I can't quite seem to find that connect again.
I could keep going but that's about as much processing as I can handle right now. Anyone who is willing to help or knows of a good resource to help, feel free to email me at craigreynolds69@gmail.com. I don't know where else to turn other than to the friends and fans who have been the one source of positivity in my life this past year. What can you do to help? It kills me to ask but as I said I intend to be cmpletely open and honest on here to make you aware of what really goes on behind the scenes and so I keep true to my word and unveil myself and humble myself to ask for your help or words of advice. Thx.
My passion is gone, my drive is gone, normal functions seem so hard and getting re-acquainted with real life seems like a pipe dream. I am depressed, I have my clinical diagnosis confirming that... but I have functioned while depressed before. I have tried public assistance programs to stabilize my financial turmoil enough to allow me to get back on my feet but they keep hitting glitches prevcenting me from benefitting from the services that are supposed to be put in place to help people like me needing that grounding to get started back in the right direction. I owe friends and family so much money and I am such a drain to them, whereas before I was enjoyable company, now I am little more than an ugly leech and an avoided phone call anytime you see my number come up on the caller ID. I may be embelishing a little because of how I feel about myself right now but I have always been incredibly independent and would rather light myself on fire than ask for help. Now it is what keeps me alive is asking others for help. It makes me feel gross, less than human, like a drain on society, n humanity and providing nothing positive to the world. I am sick of it but don't know where else to go or what else to do.
I have seen others handicapped by depression to the point where they cannot function. I never understood as I always found a way to keep going even during the worst of my bouts with depression. I have hit a wall, however, and am now experiencing first-hand what a crippling effect depression can have. I feel like a pussy for letting such a little thing beat me... but in fact it's a culmination of things that come to a head and this is the result of almost 3 years of fighting to survive and live life on my own. I am a team player, I do well collaborating with another, which is why I have done well in long-term relationships. This independence thing is important to establish but to what lengths one must experience it is really dependent upon the personality you are dealing with. I am not one of those personalities. I riddle my brain with ideas and possibilities but need an outside voice to filter and bounce ideas off of to get me to the best solution for me. It has to be someone I inherently trust and that is not something you can create or force with someone, it just is or it isn't.
My core group of people were taken away from me, on by one, by an ex who I still love and am still frustrated by everyday of my life. He did bad things to me to take out his hurt and anger I crerated for him, and although I am partially to blame he conveniently let go of his own responsibilities that led to our breakup in the first place and should have diorected some of that anger back on himself. But anyway, with my best friend Trevor dying in the hospital on October 15, 2010, the last person inside that inner circle was the last person to be taken from me who I could turn to and be completely open and honest to about anything without fear of judgement or reprimand. I have been handicapped ever since. I need that cmmunication and I can't quite seem to find that connect again.
I could keep going but that's about as much processing as I can handle right now. Anyone who is willing to help or knows of a good resource to help, feel free to email me at craigreynolds69@gmail.com. I don't know where else to turn other than to the friends and fans who have been the one source of positivity in my life this past year. What can you do to help? It kills me to ask but as I said I intend to be cmpletely open and honest on here to make you aware of what really goes on behind the scenes and so I keep true to my word and unveil myself and humble myself to ask for your help or words of advice. Thx.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
A Few Points of Clarification
So as I was reflecting back on what I had written on my blog regarding the porn industry and the politics they play, I realized that I sound a little bit like a whiny bitch... which is why I feel the need to go back and add context to the situation. First, I am not being pretentious or acting on a sense of entitlement here. I know that I am a dime a dozen model that will, sooner or later, be thrust to the curb without a second thought to make room for younger and prettier. I knew that coming into the business, I have accepted it and will bow out as gracefully as I can when it ends for me. Porn will be around long after I am. I am not better than anyone else... actually I don't think I am all that great compared to a number of pornstars!
My complaint comes on the basis (huh huh... I said cum on the bases) that I was nominated on my merits and those merits were /are not easy to maintain and evolve. I am one person with grand ideas and little influence. If I wasn't nominated, I would be bummed but I would understand that it's beyond my control. Where the issue lies is when there is complete disregard for the efforts I did put in and the acknowledgement I am receiving from this part of the industry (Thank you guys SO MUCH for the nomination... I was so ecstatic for weeks because of it!!!), but the journalists and media who essentially control who becomes a star, successful, or failure, blew me off suggesting I wasn't worth even a mention. At least "Craig who?" would be acknowledging... Craig, we don't know you so it's a little early for you to be getting an award but at least we will call it out to let you know we now see you exist
My complaint comes on the basis (huh huh... I said cum on the bases) that I was nominated on my merits and those merits were /are not easy to maintain and evolve. I am one person with grand ideas and little influence. If I wasn't nominated, I would be bummed but I would understand that it's beyond my control. Where the issue lies is when there is complete disregard for the efforts I did put in and the acknowledgement I am receiving from this part of the industry (Thank you guys SO MUCH for the nomination... I was so ecstatic for weeks because of it!!!), but the journalists and media who essentially control who becomes a star, successful, or failure, blew me off suggesting I wasn't worth even a mention. At least "Craig who?" would be acknowledging... Craig, we don't know you so it's a little early for you to be getting an award but at least we will call it out to let you know we now see you exist
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Grabby's 2011.. And The Award Goes To..
So, I got nominated for my first solo Grabby category this year as Hottest Bottom... AWESOME! I have been so stoked! I was telling everyone, freinds were so happy for me, happy to finally see a small glimmer of positivity in my life after the endless trail of tragedy I have recently endured. Come to find out, Memorial Day was closer than I realized and missed out on making it to IML and being present for the revealing of the Grabby award winners. I was bummed but really just couldn't afford it.
I had fooled myself into believing II might actually have a slim shot at winning... I think I am a pretty hot bottom! I give everything I've got for each scene. I may amp up roleplay a little to create a character that suits the movie... but at the core you are simply getting me. I can't differentiate between on-screen and off-screen Craig. I am an exhibitionist, piggy, easy-going, stress case, light-hearted guy who wants to bring more authenticity to the mainstream porn movies that otherwise come across as fake, generic, formulaic, etc. You may not be into everything I do but hopefully you can appreciate my conscious effort to try and make a difference in the positive to move these companies in a direction that matches current interests and fads of the current and future porn watcher. The big companies are losing to free porn, amateur porn and BB porn because it is easily available and it's just way more real. It's not always kiss, suck, rim, 2 fuck positions and cum... real life doesn't operate like that. Sometimes lighting can be off, sometimes settings are mundane or simple. Mainstream porn lost touch with their audience somewhere along the lines when they chose to believe they knew what their audience wanted instead of listening and paying attention. Well most of them got left behind, went bankrupt, got bought out by larger straight porn companies that can absorb the gay porn industry financial losses, and all are scrambling to change and reformat to meet modern times and technology.
With all of that said,m I thought I was starting to make some small impact that might be recognized by the industry leaders as to what I was trying to do and maybe even appreciated for trying to help the large companies salvage their business and satisfying the desires of the audience at the same time. I was rudely awakened recently to discover nobody could give a shit about what I have to say or offer. It was so exciting to get the Grabby nomination, truly just ecstatic to be listed among so many big names, long-time industry legends, etc. The Sword.com posted their picks for winners, who should win, long-shots, etc. I waited in anticipation for them to review my category, curious to know what they thought of me as LA seems to have little interest in me anyway.... I don't play the game right so I am typically left out. That's fine, I thrive on my audience response and truly appreciate every person I meet who approaches me and supports me, leaves comments about me on other blog posts, send me emails, etc. I am honored and humbled by the fans. The Sword, however, didn't even mention me. They listed everyone else in the category and had something to say for each... except me. I was a bit disappointed but it is an opinion-piece so I can't be too upset. Then I realized, nobody bothered to check to see if I was attending the Grabby's, directed me on how to get tickets, if nominees needed to do anything , not a peep. It's nobody's responsibility in particular, it just seemed strange that nobody even asked if I was going.
Then I realized that the current names in porn that seem to control the headlines seem to stem from LA, about young little twinkish pretty boys that play favorites and play the game well. I have never been into that scene... I love my piggy daddy muscle bears, my rough play, roleplay, exploratory porn. I don't enjoy twink sex about two egos trying to stay looking pretty on camera and focused more on how their skin tone matches their highlightsd instead of getting into the scene and findinf that spark and chemistry with your scene partner(s).
I would also like to add, I felt that my solo scene in Lawless was pretty fucking hot! as well as the Reckless 2 scene I shot with Ross Hurston and Josh West... those were both overlooked and I will goto the mat against anyone who wished to say otherwise. Christian Owen, one of the more cut-to-the-chase yet honest opinions in the industry (and who I sincerely respect whole-heartedly) said after our 3way shoot... ' that was the first time he has seen men having sex in a scene.' It was FUCKING HOT and exactly what I am hoping to steer more towards in the future.
Oh, and Arpad's and my scene in Loading Zone, was the first time, after a 12-hour shoot, that I would have kept going. I had so much fun with him, he is so hot and just... woof! yes please!
Anyway, nominations are underway to being revealed, I won't worry about looking for my name tomorrow, I have been sidelined with a penalty shot for not following the rules of the game. That's cool, I will just speak my mind and my gripes here and give it to you in a brutally honest way. Here it is, take it, leave it, ignore it. I am doing the best that I can with the tools I have at my disposal. It feels barren over here on my side of things... EXCEPT for one factor... the fans! I love you all. I will get around to each email, I have just been backed up a bit. Marlowe, thanks so much for all of your help, I will get everything squared away ASAP.
Fairviewsue, you have continued to be a supporter of mine. I don't have any real deep ties with you, tho it was awesome to meet you last year, you don't owe me anything, and yet you genuinely like what I have put out there and I appreciate your 'fair view' and am flattered and appreciative of the promotional media you do send my way... probably more from you than my own former exclusive studio has done for me as of late. You're awesome!! Oh yeah, little sidenote, my contract with HotHouse just completed at the end of March. I am a new free agent. I have already applied to one studio who expressed interest and I am just ga-ga over the fact that they like my look as I would happily give it up for any model they have over at C....
I had fooled myself into believing II might actually have a slim shot at winning... I think I am a pretty hot bottom! I give everything I've got for each scene. I may amp up roleplay a little to create a character that suits the movie... but at the core you are simply getting me. I can't differentiate between on-screen and off-screen Craig. I am an exhibitionist, piggy, easy-going, stress case, light-hearted guy who wants to bring more authenticity to the mainstream porn movies that otherwise come across as fake, generic, formulaic, etc. You may not be into everything I do but hopefully you can appreciate my conscious effort to try and make a difference in the positive to move these companies in a direction that matches current interests and fads of the current and future porn watcher. The big companies are losing to free porn, amateur porn and BB porn because it is easily available and it's just way more real. It's not always kiss, suck, rim, 2 fuck positions and cum... real life doesn't operate like that. Sometimes lighting can be off, sometimes settings are mundane or simple. Mainstream porn lost touch with their audience somewhere along the lines when they chose to believe they knew what their audience wanted instead of listening and paying attention. Well most of them got left behind, went bankrupt, got bought out by larger straight porn companies that can absorb the gay porn industry financial losses, and all are scrambling to change and reformat to meet modern times and technology.
With all of that said,m I thought I was starting to make some small impact that might be recognized by the industry leaders as to what I was trying to do and maybe even appreciated for trying to help the large companies salvage their business and satisfying the desires of the audience at the same time. I was rudely awakened recently to discover nobody could give a shit about what I have to say or offer. It was so exciting to get the Grabby nomination, truly just ecstatic to be listed among so many big names, long-time industry legends, etc. The Sword.com posted their picks for winners, who should win, long-shots, etc. I waited in anticipation for them to review my category, curious to know what they thought of me as LA seems to have little interest in me anyway.... I don't play the game right so I am typically left out. That's fine, I thrive on my audience response and truly appreciate every person I meet who approaches me and supports me, leaves comments about me on other blog posts, send me emails, etc. I am honored and humbled by the fans. The Sword, however, didn't even mention me. They listed everyone else in the category and had something to say for each... except me. I was a bit disappointed but it is an opinion-piece so I can't be too upset. Then I realized, nobody bothered to check to see if I was attending the Grabby's, directed me on how to get tickets, if nominees needed to do anything , not a peep. It's nobody's responsibility in particular, it just seemed strange that nobody even asked if I was going.
Then I realized that the current names in porn that seem to control the headlines seem to stem from LA, about young little twinkish pretty boys that play favorites and play the game well. I have never been into that scene... I love my piggy daddy muscle bears, my rough play, roleplay, exploratory porn. I don't enjoy twink sex about two egos trying to stay looking pretty on camera and focused more on how their skin tone matches their highlightsd instead of getting into the scene and findinf that spark and chemistry with your scene partner(s).
I would also like to add, I felt that my solo scene in Lawless was pretty fucking hot! as well as the Reckless 2 scene I shot with Ross Hurston and Josh West... those were both overlooked and I will goto the mat against anyone who wished to say otherwise. Christian Owen, one of the more cut-to-the-chase yet honest opinions in the industry (and who I sincerely respect whole-heartedly) said after our 3way shoot... ' that was the first time he has seen men having sex in a scene.' It was FUCKING HOT and exactly what I am hoping to steer more towards in the future.
Oh, and Arpad's and my scene in Loading Zone, was the first time, after a 12-hour shoot, that I would have kept going. I had so much fun with him, he is so hot and just... woof! yes please!
Anyway, nominations are underway to being revealed, I won't worry about looking for my name tomorrow, I have been sidelined with a penalty shot for not following the rules of the game. That's cool, I will just speak my mind and my gripes here and give it to you in a brutally honest way. Here it is, take it, leave it, ignore it. I am doing the best that I can with the tools I have at my disposal. It feels barren over here on my side of things... EXCEPT for one factor... the fans! I love you all. I will get around to each email, I have just been backed up a bit. Marlowe, thanks so much for all of your help, I will get everything squared away ASAP.
Fairviewsue, you have continued to be a supporter of mine. I don't have any real deep ties with you, tho it was awesome to meet you last year, you don't owe me anything, and yet you genuinely like what I have put out there and I appreciate your 'fair view' and am flattered and appreciative of the promotional media you do send my way... probably more from you than my own former exclusive studio has done for me as of late. You're awesome!! Oh yeah, little sidenote, my contract with HotHouse just completed at the end of March. I am a new free agent. I have already applied to one studio who expressed interest and I am just ga-ga over the fact that they like my look as I would happily give it up for any model they have over at C....
The Palm Springs Shoot That Wasn't
The craziest ordeal took place a few weeks ago on my way to Palm Springs to shoot my very first scene on-set! I was so excited to travel, to get back into main stream movie filming, to finally get a paycheck and to shoot with 2 very hot men, m aking doing the scene just about everything to me at that particular moment in time. Bills, rent, loans, etc. were all riding on this paycheck... and this is how it goes...
I get picked up early by Super SHuttle so I would not be late to the airport (sometimes I run a little behind so we cut any potential problems off at the pass by scheduling pickup service), I arrive almost 2 hours early but much better to be early than running in last second. Well, little good it did me as I discovered I had to pay $25 for my baggage! I didn't know this, had only $13 to my name, and proceeded for the next two hours calling everyone I could think of, trying to abandon my bag, trying to store my bag at the airport, anything I could do to get me on that flight! Failed! The flight came and went, United was no help at the desk. Finally, Rob from HotHouse got in touch with me and ran cash over so I could try and catch the second of 3 flights that day to PS but unfortunately I missed that one by less than 5 minutes! Rob, who was so helpful and supportive throughout this process, brought me $100 for baggage and flight rebooking. Well, my 5th time up to the desk I was told that the re-booking fee would now be $150, not $50 as I was previously told... so once again I was short and couldn't reserve a flight for the last flight out at 8pm.
Hours roll by, I finally get my mother to send me $200 after spending the rest of the day researching alternative paths to PS including other airlines, Greyhound, Amtrak, etc. I get back to United, speak to the new face at the desk, who is apparently mgmt level as she just wizzed thru the rebooking process, only charged me $50 for re-booking, and looked miffed that very staff earlier in the day did nothing to help me resolve my problem. Over 12 hours later of being at the airport, I was finally on my way down south. Woohoo!
I arrive to chaos. Everything that could go wrong, apparently has for HotHouse during this shoot. I don't know all the details but I do know I was one of a handful of model problems they had to face, which was exactly the opposite effect I wanted to have. I wanted to be low maintenance, film a great scene, make no waves and depart peacefully under the radar. Instead I felt like a burden, ugly, essentially an unwanted entity. That aside, I did have fun hanging with the cast and crew after the days of filming. I really do love the Hot House family, I only felt it in return from a select few. I did get to meet scene partners Bo Dean and Damien Crosse... both incredibly hot and seemingly nice. Damien is a rockstar.... I could see being long good friends with him. Bo was distant, but as with all gay for pay, you sort of feel like an unwanted, undesired hole... and that's about it. It's not their fault, I hold no grudge, it's simply a matter of circumstances... which becomes the theme of my fate the very next day.
I arrive on set, all was good the night before. Feeling good about the shoot, not so super nervous like I usually am. I wake up to find what appears to be a... COLD SORE! Granted, everyone has it... but I can't expose my scene partners to it, especially when at a highly contagious stage. I arrived on set in time for Steven Scarborough to litewrally watch the cold sore grow right there in front of his eyes!!! The heat that morning fed perfectly into this hideous growth that ended up forcing me not to shoot the scene (oh, btw, shot my solo pictures the day before so already half way to paycheck), they lost their sole bottom for the scene, they tried to get Damien to take over but he was not at all prepared mentally for the task, brought Kyle King in past minute, I think eventually Damien also had to leave due to heat exhaustion.... it was a crazy mess... all due to a stupid cold sore and $25 in cash.
Who would have thought that such a little thing like a cold sore could put me in financial ruin? Well, after my psoriasis breakout took me out of the game for over 8 months from filming.... I am not all that surprised. But these unexpected medical conditions you just can't predict or prepare for. I was blind-sided yet again and to this day still trying to recover from the loss of a paycheck. Granted, I need to find myself in a more stable financial situation so I can sustain unexpected things like this.... but I just can't seem to catch that break that allows me to get firm grounding so I can progress toward a better situation for myself.
I am not really thrilled to be telling these embarrassing moments about myself, but I did promise you that I would be open and honest on here to a fault so you really get an insider's look at what goes on behind the scenes.
I get picked up early by Super SHuttle so I would not be late to the airport (sometimes I run a little behind so we cut any potential problems off at the pass by scheduling pickup service), I arrive almost 2 hours early but much better to be early than running in last second. Well, little good it did me as I discovered I had to pay $25 for my baggage! I didn't know this, had only $13 to my name, and proceeded for the next two hours calling everyone I could think of, trying to abandon my bag, trying to store my bag at the airport, anything I could do to get me on that flight! Failed! The flight came and went, United was no help at the desk. Finally, Rob from HotHouse got in touch with me and ran cash over so I could try and catch the second of 3 flights that day to PS but unfortunately I missed that one by less than 5 minutes! Rob, who was so helpful and supportive throughout this process, brought me $100 for baggage and flight rebooking. Well, my 5th time up to the desk I was told that the re-booking fee would now be $150, not $50 as I was previously told... so once again I was short and couldn't reserve a flight for the last flight out at 8pm.
Hours roll by, I finally get my mother to send me $200 after spending the rest of the day researching alternative paths to PS including other airlines, Greyhound, Amtrak, etc. I get back to United, speak to the new face at the desk, who is apparently mgmt level as she just wizzed thru the rebooking process, only charged me $50 for re-booking, and looked miffed that very staff earlier in the day did nothing to help me resolve my problem. Over 12 hours later of being at the airport, I was finally on my way down south. Woohoo!
I arrive to chaos. Everything that could go wrong, apparently has for HotHouse during this shoot. I don't know all the details but I do know I was one of a handful of model problems they had to face, which was exactly the opposite effect I wanted to have. I wanted to be low maintenance, film a great scene, make no waves and depart peacefully under the radar. Instead I felt like a burden, ugly, essentially an unwanted entity. That aside, I did have fun hanging with the cast and crew after the days of filming. I really do love the Hot House family, I only felt it in return from a select few. I did get to meet scene partners Bo Dean and Damien Crosse... both incredibly hot and seemingly nice. Damien is a rockstar.... I could see being long good friends with him. Bo was distant, but as with all gay for pay, you sort of feel like an unwanted, undesired hole... and that's about it. It's not their fault, I hold no grudge, it's simply a matter of circumstances... which becomes the theme of my fate the very next day.
I arrive on set, all was good the night before. Feeling good about the shoot, not so super nervous like I usually am. I wake up to find what appears to be a... COLD SORE! Granted, everyone has it... but I can't expose my scene partners to it, especially when at a highly contagious stage. I arrived on set in time for Steven Scarborough to litewrally watch the cold sore grow right there in front of his eyes!!! The heat that morning fed perfectly into this hideous growth that ended up forcing me not to shoot the scene (oh, btw, shot my solo pictures the day before so already half way to paycheck), they lost their sole bottom for the scene, they tried to get Damien to take over but he was not at all prepared mentally for the task, brought Kyle King in past minute, I think eventually Damien also had to leave due to heat exhaustion.... it was a crazy mess... all due to a stupid cold sore and $25 in cash.
Who would have thought that such a little thing like a cold sore could put me in financial ruin? Well, after my psoriasis breakout took me out of the game for over 8 months from filming.... I am not all that surprised. But these unexpected medical conditions you just can't predict or prepare for. I was blind-sided yet again and to this day still trying to recover from the loss of a paycheck. Granted, I need to find myself in a more stable financial situation so I can sustain unexpected things like this.... but I just can't seem to catch that break that allows me to get firm grounding so I can progress toward a better situation for myself.
I am not really thrilled to be telling these embarrassing moments about myself, but I did promise you that I would be open and honest on here to a fault so you really get an insider's look at what goes on behind the scenes.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
TLA Awards nominees released... vote for Lawless
Those that haven't seen it yet, this is my first solo scene. I am usually not a fan of solos but I was pretty impressed with how this one came out. Not to mention the box cover image is smoking hot (i think)!
Also up from Hot House is Steven Scarborough for Producer of the Year, Brandon Bangs for Newcomer, Hot House Studio of the Year. Vote for them all, vote often. no limits.
Continuing Down The Cum-Back Trail... GRABBY nominee, Hottest Bottom 2011
The universe is confirming for me that I am finding my way back on track with this latest bit of news, my first legitimate shot at a Grabby! Woohoo! Hottest Bottom, I feel I can hold my own in that category. I may not be everyone's taste, but you can't deny I convey how much I enjoy sex, how good I am at it and fun with it, and my scene partner's pleasure of pounding my 'hot bottom.'
'I wish I was you so I could experience what it's like to fuck me!' Everyone seems to enjoy it, I want to know what all the fuss is about... especially since I am the one that has to carry this big butt around everywhere I go.
Added by Will Clark World, re: my ass... "RECKLESS 2... stars Cameron Marshall, Craig Reynolds, Derrek Diamond, Josh West, Kyle King, Paul Wagner, Rick Van Sant, Rod Daily, Ross Hurston, and Tony Mecelli. Box cover butt belongs to Craig Reynolds btw. Yum that too... Enjoy (I know I did, well, the picture anyway. So far.)"
So it seems to me I have some ass support.... wait....
Anyway, I am so excited to be up for this nomination, alongside a list of solid competition including Rod Daily, Vince Ferrelli, etc. Some big names with some nice butts... whose butt's the best?? We shall soon see.
See the nomination here
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Reynolds Returns
After about an 8 month hiatus, I have finally found my way back to set to the studio for work with the Inferno line and CHristian Owens' first credited movie. It was an honor and privilege to be hired on and given a chance after being away for a spell and still in te process of getting back into shape (not just physically, but mentally, spiritually and emotionally). GRanted, we should always be working to improve in all of these areas of our lives but I have a base standard set for myself and want to meet or beat that high standard with every project I do. I felt I gave it my best effort... unfortunately shooting got backed up and I was delayed about 8 hours in the studio before I got to start my scene which took me out of my mindset upon entering ready to go. At least I wasn't behind the camera working those extra hours, so it could have been a tougher day... and so I gave it my best effort and we got some good footage. I felt rusty and things didn't naturally flow for me this time around. I am working on dropping a few pounds and getting more definition back, gaining my confidence back and returning to the point of venturing out to find new things to bring to the screen, not trying to play catch-up. It's all coming around; I broke the seal and all-in-all it felt great to be back. To see more from Inferno Productions, click here
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Go-Go Dancing & Club Review
Linked to the picture below is a review of myself, Hot House director CHristian Owen, and the DJ's and performers of Club Industry here in SF, the club I have danced for for 5 years now... which is the spinoff from Club Universe (where I also used to dance) around 10 years ago. People are surprised a big beefy white boy like me can throw down... 4 to the floor... assemble your crew.... and bring your game cuz it ain't no joke. I got rhythm and a big ass... I must have black somewhere in my family lineage... LOL! Anyway, this is a review that only mentions Christian and myself but we have been prominent figures in the night club go-go scene for a good decade now. Come out to see us dance sometime and you will then understand why. I am not a stripper dancer, I cant do that sexy dance thing... but give me a good hard, dark beat with some bass and I will give you a show.
For more party reviews, goto http://www.juicyfruitjim.com
For more party reviews, goto http://www.juicyfruitjim.com
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
On The Road To Redemption
So... it has been a long few months away. I have had the toughest time trying to move past the loss of my best friend and closest person to me in my life. The pain will probably always linger but I am not hampered by it so much anymore. I am starting to feel normal again, to feel things, to want to take care of myself and return to humanity. Started workouts again, started to see people and socialize again... might even be sorta seeing someone...tentatively as I re-connect to my emotions and feelings and discover what I feel and careful not to bring someone who could be an important part of my life into a cesspool of emotional gunk I need to clean up before I can move forward in a healthy fashion. So far so good, steady as she goes.
Next goal for me is to be back in shape in time to film movies set for April and/or May for Hot House. I would love to be involved in these projects... but nobody likes a fatty flabster to get off to so I need to work hard and motivate to be in shape in time. Any motivating workout buddies around to help out?
I will try to get back to my routine and be a little more consistent with blogging and updating my site. No promises but that is what I am progressing toward.
Thanks for all of the love and support I received from you all over these trying times. Best Wishes
Next goal for me is to be back in shape in time to film movies set for April and/or May for Hot House. I would love to be involved in these projects... but nobody likes a fatty flabster to get off to so I need to work hard and motivate to be in shape in time. Any motivating workout buddies around to help out?
I will try to get back to my routine and be a little more consistent with blogging and updating my site. No promises but that is what I am progressing toward.
Thanks for all of the love and support I received from you all over these trying times. Best Wishes
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Status Update
so you know those characters in movies who sacrifice themselves to save the others and seem like they have had experiences in their lives that allow them to be more at peace with dying than the others... but you are never clued in as to why? Well I think I get it now... once you have lost the love of your life or someone intimately woven into your heart and core, you're never quite the same, you're never the same person and death welcomes those people back into your world. I lost that person 3 times in the past 2 years. The impact these past 2 years have made losing so many loved ones from my life has left me crippled and broken. To answer your questions... I am not okay, although I try to act as if I am. I don't know if I ever can be. Ron, my grandmother, trevor... I will never see again. david will never speak to me again and matt moved across the country. seriously, wtf just happened? where did these past 2 years come from? Who did i piss off to give me this as my path through life? This is just a ridiculously awful hand I have been given to play and I can't fold and be dealt a new hand... somehow I have to bluff my way through with a shitty hand in order to win the pot. The odds are stacked against me and not sure how to play my hand. Therapists would say I should be fulfilled internally and others should just add to your life... but that is bullsh**. we all seek out5 that special someone to share our lives with. I have been burned 3 times... partially my own doing and partially out of my control... but ultimately my time was cut short with each person and I have been left to amputate those lifelines to stop the bleeding but now I feel all lifelines severed and no more life running back into me. Anyway, i am good. how are you doing?
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Milwaukee RULES!!
Milwaukee RULES!!
I have made a new cast of friends out in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. First off, the accents are real! It is so cute listening to these hot midwestern guys talk with an accent that softens any rough exterior they might be sporting. Second, everyone was so nice and fun and welcoming and casual... no attitude or social ladder pre-established that must be climbed in order to be welcomed. Granted, I am an outsider there for one night so the politics may have escaped me but from the disastrous past few months compared to the event at BOOM last night, it was a welcomed change and escape from a challenging daily existence back home in SF.
David, the owner and sexy fucker who tended to my every need... well, except for one, was a total sweetheart, put me up at The Hilton hotel even though I was in town until 8am, drove me to and from the airport and really put me at ease from beginning to end. Likewise, the crowd and the staff at BOOM were so friendly and welcoming and funny... I actually enjoyed myself and didn't go anxiety-cazy and run away crying! I couldn't believe it! It has been a while since I travelled anywhere solo and even longer since I didn't have some sort of mini-anxiety-related-crisis! Though I have to return home to a bag full of problems, this one night in Milwaukee helped refuel my depleted energy cells.
Okay, here is the gossip (this is all in fun in hopes that a few of the guys read this and get a kick out of me remembering way more than you probably wish I had). Brad the bartender is a sexy school teacher (think roleplay fantasy, think Van Halen "i'm hot for teacher") but he has crabs and gonnhorhea so he needs to tend to that before I can slut it up and hit on that (he really doesn't... at least not that I know but he is a good sport and I do know he wanted to get me from the airport instead of David and threatened physical harm to get it). Mike the cop is such the cocky cop attitude fucker who will turn from police pig to sex pig in 0.3 seconds! oink! Lance was the queit bartender... to quiet... nobody had gossip on him which means he is probably the most twisted one of all! Brad the patron is so funny... all night he kept coming by when I was engaged in 'social activity' with the patrons and said to come see him. He got fed up that I couldn't escape the adoration of the majority and ended up putting his finger up my butt and then getting caught by me and looking like he didn't know how he got there... ROFL! that was some funny ass stuff and i adore him for it! There was one gentleman, firgive me for forgetting your name, whose cock is apparently so impressive and so talented that it will actually bite you and can be found on XTube. Tim, who also picked me up from the airport, accused me of having an accent... and I accused him of having a slur after 14 beers. That in itself is quite an impressive feat and he is hot so it just made the situation that much mmore fun to tease him. There was William and Kyle who drove for a couple hours just to see me!!! There were birthday boys, shy boys hiding in corners, up-and-coming pornstars and strippers that I had to educate were well on their way with their sexy moves and erotic,enticing, rhythmic dancing meant for the top of the best gay bars in the world! I was spanked, fingered, kissed, sucked, teased, tipped, groped and hugged... best of all was the abundant attention given to my nipples and the major hardons that ensued! You guys are the best! Thank you so much for making me feel so welcome!
I hope to return and I hope to see the same smiling faces. I was a bit hurt that the reputable "biter" didn't bite me or leave his mark... and my flexibility is for shit when trying to get down from the bar to greet the patrons, I felt like an old man trying to sit on the pot from the support of his walker. Otherwise, I have never felt good standing on a bar at any club or bar until now. I wasn't embarrassed by my sporiasis, I felt wanted and appreciated, I felt the things I have not felt for myself in a while. So for these prior strangers (now friends) to help fill in the gaps like that, whether conscious of it or not, was really special.
I have made a new cast of friends out in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. First off, the accents are real! It is so cute listening to these hot midwestern guys talk with an accent that softens any rough exterior they might be sporting. Second, everyone was so nice and fun and welcoming and casual... no attitude or social ladder pre-established that must be climbed in order to be welcomed. Granted, I am an outsider there for one night so the politics may have escaped me but from the disastrous past few months compared to the event at BOOM last night, it was a welcomed change and escape from a challenging daily existence back home in SF.
David, the owner and sexy fucker who tended to my every need... well, except for one, was a total sweetheart, put me up at The Hilton hotel even though I was in town until 8am, drove me to and from the airport and really put me at ease from beginning to end. Likewise, the crowd and the staff at BOOM were so friendly and welcoming and funny... I actually enjoyed myself and didn't go anxiety-cazy and run away crying! I couldn't believe it! It has been a while since I travelled anywhere solo and even longer since I didn't have some sort of mini-anxiety-related-crisis! Though I have to return home to a bag full of problems, this one night in Milwaukee helped refuel my depleted energy cells.
Okay, here is the gossip (this is all in fun in hopes that a few of the guys read this and get a kick out of me remembering way more than you probably wish I had). Brad the bartender is a sexy school teacher (think roleplay fantasy, think Van Halen "i'm hot for teacher") but he has crabs and gonnhorhea so he needs to tend to that before I can slut it up and hit on that (he really doesn't... at least not that I know but he is a good sport and I do know he wanted to get me from the airport instead of David and threatened physical harm to get it). Mike the cop is such the cocky cop attitude fucker who will turn from police pig to sex pig in 0.3 seconds! oink! Lance was the queit bartender... to quiet... nobody had gossip on him which means he is probably the most twisted one of all! Brad the patron is so funny... all night he kept coming by when I was engaged in 'social activity' with the patrons and said to come see him. He got fed up that I couldn't escape the adoration of the majority and ended up putting his finger up my butt and then getting caught by me and looking like he didn't know how he got there... ROFL! that was some funny ass stuff and i adore him for it! There was one gentleman, firgive me for forgetting your name, whose cock is apparently so impressive and so talented that it will actually bite you and can be found on XTube. Tim, who also picked me up from the airport, accused me of having an accent... and I accused him of having a slur after 14 beers. That in itself is quite an impressive feat and he is hot so it just made the situation that much mmore fun to tease him. There was William and Kyle who drove for a couple hours just to see me!!! There were birthday boys, shy boys hiding in corners, up-and-coming pornstars and strippers that I had to educate were well on their way with their sexy moves and erotic,enticing, rhythmic dancing meant for the top of the best gay bars in the world! I was spanked, fingered, kissed, sucked, teased, tipped, groped and hugged... best of all was the abundant attention given to my nipples and the major hardons that ensued! You guys are the best! Thank you so much for making me feel so welcome!
I hope to return and I hope to see the same smiling faces. I was a bit hurt that the reputable "biter" didn't bite me or leave his mark... and my flexibility is for shit when trying to get down from the bar to greet the patrons, I felt like an old man trying to sit on the pot from the support of his walker. Otherwise, I have never felt good standing on a bar at any club or bar until now. I wasn't embarrassed by my sporiasis, I felt wanted and appreciated, I felt the things I have not felt for myself in a while. So for these prior strangers (now friends) to help fill in the gaps like that, whether conscious of it or not, was really special.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Headed To Milwaukee
Got an appearance to make tomorrow night, which I am excited about... however I was in a car accident last night and my back hurts, my accounts were closed because I deposited what turned out to be a fraudulent check to pay for furniture I was selling, and still reeling from my best friend's sudden and unexpected passing. Let's nto forget psoriasis is still present and depression has been tough to avoid. I tell ya, I am going to give my best face but the circumstances coming into this have been the worst of my life in such a short amount of time. I hope to start reporting more uplifting news soon... I haven't had much to report to you as of late.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Best Friend
A couple days ago I lost my best friend in the world. He meant more to me than a friend, he was my rock, my love and my hero. I was blessed to have him in my life. He arrived in time to help me through the toughest time of my life... and now he has been taken away and inadvertently created a new worst time in my life. He meant the world to me and I am so empty without him. You would have loved him. Heart of gold. Funny, sweet, smart, sexy, hot body, great butt and dick, he would love that I said that, and the person in my life I could always rely on, no matter what the problem was. He was suddenly ripped from my life and nobody really understands why. He is still watching over my shoulder and I am sure sounding as the voice of reason in my ear for the rest of my life until that day when it is my time to pass and he will be there to take my hand and we can walk together, side by side, into the bright white light. Until then, however, it will be painful to endure the thought that I won't ever get to see his charming smile or sultry and sexy voice ever again. My heart is aching and my world feels ready to crumble. I dunno... I am lost without him.
I love you Trevor. You will always be remembered and held dearly in my heart. And we will be reunited again... in time. Don't ever leave me again.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
What a Weekend..
So I have a new appreciation for how hard it is to be pretty AND popular. I know that is a hideous first line but it is leading somewhere. Trust me. I have worked as a model for Steamworks and other booths at street fairs before. I have go-go danced for a decade, lugging around my suitcase of go-go wear through the most densely populated crowds imaginable. I have had to maintain a cheery disposition when I was feeling awful, and as a trainer I worked in a high-visibility position in one of the biggest social scenes known to gay man... the Castro. People know me, know of me, or have at least seen me around (whether they like it or not). I worked for Gold's gym for 3 years and Active Nutririon for 4 (both Castro-based). I am blessed to have the opportunites I have had that allowed me to get to know some wonderful people! But here's the thing... with all of the appearances we had to make this past weekend, it was essentially taking every previous job I just mentioned and forced every grueling aspect of them into one weekend! Now don't get me wrong, it was so fun and flattering and exciting to be greeted by so many people who appreciate the performances (movie, dancing or otherwise) because I really do commit everything I've got to give the best show I can. And when I hear about how people enjoy what I do, it confirms that my efforts are valued and appreciated. It honestly warms my heart.
Okay, but seriously, after trying to do all of that for 4 straight days it's just hard not to be completely drained of every ounce of positive energy in your body. Each friend and fan deserves a smile and acknowledgement, so everyone gets a little piece of that energy... but by the end, I am zombified! Real Bad came rolling around and after crowds, go-go dnacing and costumes and interviews, GAYVN's, 2 movie premiers, a tailgate party and another gogo gig saturday, and a full day at the fair greeeting hundreds and photographing, signing, draining of energy by the sun and heavy crowds and busting my ass to get to every event, I showed up for maybe an hour of Real Bad and had to leave. Nothing was going to rejuvenate me from all the publicity work I did and my mood was a fair bit sour... so I just needed to go!
Before I started my adult film career, I would have said... I can do that! How lame that he is griping about adoration from fans and constant party appearances.... such a tough life! Blah blah blah! Until you walk a mile in another man's shoes... let's just say I learned a lesson on the work that goes into presenting a positive public persona. It usually comes naturally... I just be myself. But there is no downtime to re-connect with yourself and breathe. You have no choice but to push on through!
Was it tough? Yes. Was I ready for it? I thought I was. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat! I am so lucky everyday I get to play this part of a pornstar. One day, it will be gone.... and as I said in the very beginning (before my first blog page disappeared), I know i will be sad when it is all over and I will feel a bit empty and sad when gay porn is done with me and I am a washed-up has-been... BUT I will be greatful for the moment in time that was mine and for that I would happily jump at the chance to do it all again.
Now if I was someone reading this, i would think I was retarded and a douche for suggesting the publicity tour was such tough work in comparison to other things in life. Yes, starvation and homelessness, disease and death are significantly more taxing life challenges. My point is that no matter what we do, when we really give it our all and do the best job we can, it can be hard to get into the flow of things without a lot of prior experience. And since my whole mission for this blog is to me the outsider on the inside reporting back wbhat it's like to be a party of the adult film industry, i have to report the good, the bad, embarrassing and retarded. Speaking of which, the psoriasis is healing finally! So hopefully back in the studio next month. woohyoo! So for now, I wish bon voyage and adieu... to u and u and u. I hope it was a good folsom for everyone, it was exciting to meet a number of you and put the physical person to the screennames and emails I normally see. I enjoyed each person's company, i was not disappointed by a single person's sincerity and geniune support. you r all awesome and keep me motivated to work hard.. even when it feels like i dont have much other reason to push through asnd improve on things. I love you guys!! no i'm not high.... but it does sound kinda drunky ecstacy- speak... lol! I have some pics somehere to add as well... sooon
Okay, but seriously, after trying to do all of that for 4 straight days it's just hard not to be completely drained of every ounce of positive energy in your body. Each friend and fan deserves a smile and acknowledgement, so everyone gets a little piece of that energy... but by the end, I am zombified! Real Bad came rolling around and after crowds, go-go dnacing and costumes and interviews, GAYVN's, 2 movie premiers, a tailgate party and another gogo gig saturday, and a full day at the fair greeeting hundreds and photographing, signing, draining of energy by the sun and heavy crowds and busting my ass to get to every event, I showed up for maybe an hour of Real Bad and had to leave. Nothing was going to rejuvenate me from all the publicity work I did and my mood was a fair bit sour... so I just needed to go!
Before I started my adult film career, I would have said... I can do that! How lame that he is griping about adoration from fans and constant party appearances.... such a tough life! Blah blah blah! Until you walk a mile in another man's shoes... let's just say I learned a lesson on the work that goes into presenting a positive public persona. It usually comes naturally... I just be myself. But there is no downtime to re-connect with yourself and breathe. You have no choice but to push on through!
Was it tough? Yes. Was I ready for it? I thought I was. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat! I am so lucky everyday I get to play this part of a pornstar. One day, it will be gone.... and as I said in the very beginning (before my first blog page disappeared), I know i will be sad when it is all over and I will feel a bit empty and sad when gay porn is done with me and I am a washed-up has-been... BUT I will be greatful for the moment in time that was mine and for that I would happily jump at the chance to do it all again.
Now if I was someone reading this, i would think I was retarded and a douche for suggesting the publicity tour was such tough work in comparison to other things in life. Yes, starvation and homelessness, disease and death are significantly more taxing life challenges. My point is that no matter what we do, when we really give it our all and do the best job we can, it can be hard to get into the flow of things without a lot of prior experience. And since my whole mission for this blog is to me the outsider on the inside reporting back wbhat it's like to be a party of the adult film industry, i have to report the good, the bad, embarrassing and retarded. Speaking of which, the psoriasis is healing finally! So hopefully back in the studio next month. woohyoo! So for now, I wish bon voyage and adieu... to u and u and u. I hope it was a good folsom for everyone, it was exciting to meet a number of you and put the physical person to the screennames and emails I normally see. I enjoyed each person's company, i was not disappointed by a single person's sincerity and geniune support. you r all awesome and keep me motivated to work hard.. even when it feels like i dont have much other reason to push through asnd improve on things. I love you guys!! no i'm not high.... but it does sound kinda drunky ecstacy- speak... lol! I have some pics somehere to add as well... sooon
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
MY DEAR FAIRVIEW SUE !!!
I have a hard time understanding that people give a rats ass about my porn career... besides me and my exhibitionist tendencies. I had the pleasure of meeting (though only briefly) Fairview Sue (http://fairviewsue.wordpress.com). She is a quaint, pretty, oddly confident and present in her demeanour and behavior. She quietly demands your attention when she wants it and I immediately recognized and was even intimidated by her stare and I didn't even know why!!
I was quickly handed a card and a brief introduction /(that, to be honest, I couldn't even hear because of my bas ears and my distraction of trying to find my seat for the GAYVN awards show that was about to start). I took her card and was on my way (and I did find my seat in time... in case you were wondering).
The next day at the fair I got to cross paths with Sue again, and again, I was distracted by fans and friends and bosses wanting my attention for one thing or another. With my borderline ADD I could barely keep up. But something about her just stood out to me and I knew she was someone very powerful... within herself and her spirit. A strong sense of self and easily identifiable by me because all my life i have not been.
So I goto sues page tonight and suddenly find reviews, images, references that include me and my w2ork, and it was so flattering to read positive reviews and support from a person that has a purely unbiased opinion and has nothing to gain, but simply genuinely feels a certain way and thought me worthy enough to make the effort to write about at all... let alone in a positive light.
And so to her, I return the favor. My blogging is not nearly as well constructed or thought out but it is from the heart Until next time, Fairview Sue!
See Sue's collected Craig Reynolds commentary and photo archives at:
http://fairviewsue.wordpress.com/category/craig-reynolds/
See Sue's collected Craig Reynolds commentary and photo archives at:
http://fairviewsue.wordpress.com/category/craig-reynolds/
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Spot Of Trouble
First off, thank god mercury is out of retrograde! I just learned about this but apparently it happens several times a year and each time the little things become obstacles in you path when normally they would be of little concern. So here I am at home, no bootcamp, no training, my first ever psoriasis breakout is preventing me from filming until it clears, not seeing clients and unemployment said starting my own business was not grounds for support by edd and overturned my UI. huh, so this is an interesting moment of my life. There was only a brief time in my life where i didn't have a backup plan and no finances to rely on... and it was not a pretty time. This is new and yet similar. I am not reacting the way I could be by such a dire situation, yet my entire life could be brought down by a single breakout of a genetic skin disease brought on by stress. Considering I was voted most stressed in my high school class, it is curious that this is my first breakout.
Well, whatever caused the eruption of hideous red spots on me, they need to disappear or it is all over. I could not have prepared for such a common yet unknown mis-programming of the skin cells would lead me to financial ruin?!?! Doctors, friends and strangers have all offered their experiences, opinions and remedies that worked for them... but nothing has really taken to my skin. It's so stupid but so intrusive. It is embarrassing, people think you are diseased, grossed out by you, afraid to catch it. Not contagious and the horror you experience is assuredly 10x worse in my head!! It is enabling my depression to set back in, losing motivation to do anything, don't want to have sex, don't even want to be seen! it is uncomfortable, hurts, itches, annoys, messes with your self-image. it took a good 30 years to finally start believing in myself and just when I thought i might be okay with who i am, here comes a test of patience and helplessness I was not ready for.
I don't know what will happen next but my careers are suddenly on hold until this clears. seriously, WTF!!!!
Well, whatever caused the eruption of hideous red spots on me, they need to disappear or it is all over. I could not have prepared for such a common yet unknown mis-programming of the skin cells would lead me to financial ruin?!?! Doctors, friends and strangers have all offered their experiences, opinions and remedies that worked for them... but nothing has really taken to my skin. It's so stupid but so intrusive. It is embarrassing, people think you are diseased, grossed out by you, afraid to catch it. Not contagious and the horror you experience is assuredly 10x worse in my head!! It is enabling my depression to set back in, losing motivation to do anything, don't want to have sex, don't even want to be seen! it is uncomfortable, hurts, itches, annoys, messes with your self-image. it took a good 30 years to finally start believing in myself and just when I thought i might be okay with who i am, here comes a test of patience and helplessness I was not ready for.
I don't know what will happen next but my careers are suddenly on hold until this clears. seriously, WTF!!!!
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